(A large pair of pants floats across the screen, then covered by a gigantic red circle with a line through it. The STWF logo appears)
En español donde sea disponible!
(Interior of "generic STWF arena, somewhere, North America". Fireworks abound - we're sparing no expense for this episode!)
Welcome everyone to Monday Nae Trous as we celebrate our big tenth episode!
Come on, V, ten episodes isn't so great! I don't think it's so bad...well, anyway, we've got a great show lined up for you! Let's kick things off as Mr. Rage fights Bohemoth! Bohemoth asked for this match after seeing Rage defeat ThatGuy at Mexico Madness and he's only managed to get his revenge now! Let's watch - it should be a good one!
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, from New York City, weighing in at 269 pounds, Mr. RAGE!
("Rascal King" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones plays. He is wearing his camouflage pants and his T-shirt which advertises another federation. He is starting to get booed around here.)
And his opponent, representing the Asylum Alliance, from Charleston, WV, weighing in at 470 lbs., BOHEMOTH!
("In the Hall of the Mountain King" by Grieg plays. Bohemoth runs out and immediately starts to attack Mr. Rage. The fans love it.)
***bell rings. Bohemoth pounding away. He really doesn't like his opponent! The Asylum Alliance is closer than I thought.
Yeah? Then how come the Asylum Alliance ain't here?
I don't know. Bohemoth with a snap suplex and a kneedrop. Bohemoth goes for a top-rope splash... Rage rolls out of the way. Rage with a clothesline - sending Bohemoth crashing to the mat. Pretty impressive considering Bohemoth outweighs Rage by over 200 lbs. Rage with a camel clutch - Bohemoth stands up, with Rage still holding on, and falls backward! Rage is crushed! 1...2...Rage's shoulder goes up.
Man, I ain't never seen anyone do dat! Rage up, bounces off the ropes, flying shoulder into Bohemoth. Bohemoth is pinwheelin' his arms, but didn't go down. Rage tries again, still nothing. One more time...Bohemoth finally goes down! 1...2...kickout. Bohemoth rolls out of the ring, and waits for Rage.
Hmmm...I have a feeling he's planning something devious. Rage takes the opportunity to catch his breath. Bohemoth beckoning Rage...wait! That's Distruct in the audience! He leaps over the iron railing and slams Bohemoth with his chair! Now Rage comes out and it's two-on-one! And here comes Tony Starks!
This isn't a cleverly scripted plan to sell Monster Bash, is it?!
Of course not - the sheer thought! Starks has one of those C4 plastics with him... He pulls Rage aside and rams it in his face! The explosion sends both men reeling! Meanwhile, Bohemoth is tied up with Distruct...he rolls back into the ring...
Huh? Wuzzup widdis?
I'm guessing count-out, but let's see...
Here is your winner, as a result of a count-out...BOHEMOTH!
See? Told you. But a fantastic match nonetheless. Let's move on... Sugarplum Harry, the "pixie king", is scheduled to fight ThatGuy tonight. We haven't seen a lot of Sugarplum Harry recently. I wonder why.
I'm sure if Captain Twilight was here, he'd be able to tell you.
And where is the Rogue's Gallery? I mean, how long are they going to stay hidden? And who was that guy who dressed like the Rogue last week?
Don't axe me, I just an announcer!
The following contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way towards the ring, from Toadstool, Arizona, weighing in at 385 lbs., SUGARPLUM HARRY!
("Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies", played on a tuba, blares over the PA. Harry enters. He is 6'1", sporting a moustache and beard, and wearing a pink tutu. He slings a bag of pixie dust. He is accompanied by two other similarly-dressed pixies, who are carrying clay statues on dollies. The crowd gives a mixed reaction.)
And his opponent, from parts unknown but last spotted harassing Goofy at Disneyworld, weighing in at 276 1/2 lbs., representing the Asylum Alliance, ThatGuy!
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill plays, but it is drowned out by the chants of "YOU'RE NOT SAFE!" The wheelbarrow man runs out, tosses ThatGuy into the ring and runs off, clicking his heels.
***bell rings. A classic matchup between two of our original competitors. Indeed, Sugarplum Harry was the second wrestler ever to join the STWF.
And the first one was?
Actually, the first was the Red Snapper. Hey, I left his name out for a reason!
ThatGuy with an armbar. Sugarplum Harry gives a hiptoss in response. Sugarplum Harry with a big drumstick down on ThatGuy. ThatGuy gets up and executes a vertical suplex on Harry. The cover: 1...2...Harry's foot touches the rope.
Sugarplum Harry with an abdominal stretch! ThatGuy straining...Harry grabs the ropes and ThatGuy in agony! The ref looks just as Harry lets go. He tries again...ThatGuy clenching his teeth...ref doesn't see it. Harry goes for it one last time... that time the ref saw and orders him to break the hold.
Did you notice that the Asylum still ain't here? We know Bohemoth is here tonight! And Sugarplum, he got those two pixie goons, and those clay things, whadee call 'em, golems?
Oh come on, we all know that his so-called golems don't do anything! They just sit there, until Harry discovers how to activate them.
ThatGuy with a DDT! This could be over! 1...2...shoulder up. Sugarplum with a reverse neckbreaker. Sugarplum with another big legdrop. He goes up for another one! Sugarplum taking no chances tonight. 1...2...ThatGuy's shoulder is up as well. ThatGuy throws Sugarplum Harry out of the ring! He licks the ringpost. The crowd is cheering!
Strange crowd tonight, V.
Hey, we could be in Hamilton. ThatGuy from the top-rope: BIG SPLASH BY THATGUY!
ThatGuy's not known for his flying techniques. Where'd he pick that up?
ThatGuy throws Sugarplum back into the ring, and Harry is getting the dust ready.
ThatGuy gets back in the ring, Sugarplum pulls out the handful of dust, but ThatGuy blows it in Harry's face! Hideous Finger Bite coming your way! Sugarplum's pixies trying to stop him, but they can't pry him loose! Harry submits! This one is over...ThatGuy's not letting go! He's going to take Harry's finger off! Man, he's going to do it! That's sick!
And the finger is off! Blood spurting everywhere! The paramedics are coming to take Harry away. The crowd loves it!
Here is your winner, as a result of a submission, ThatGuy!
Chalk up another one for the Asylum. We'll be right back after these short messages.
Monster Bash is just TWO WEEKS AWAY! Hurry up, it's going to be one of your last chances to flash!
Please fill out your feedback card as soon as possible. I could really use the info from you folks. Spread the word about the STWF! The preceding announcement has been paid for by your beloved Kommissaar.
The tenth episode extravaganza of Monday Nae Trous has been brought to you by the Albatross Brothers Gaming Corporation, makers of such fantastic games as "Don't play me like that!", the gang-war collectible card game that teaches ebonics! Fun for the whole family ages 7 and up! If it's on the fringe, it's Albatross Brothers!
Thanks. We're back, and we've just received work that Sugarplum Harry is alright, but he'll be down a finger permanently.
Cool! Our first permanent injury!...uh, next of course to BILL's razor scars.
In other news, the Aboriginals have given up their petition for a win, in exchange for two cans of inhalable paint thinner.
Hey, I just tell the news. I don't write it.
Tag action now: The Warrior Gods are scheduled to face the Finance Department. Jones and Interestrate are in the ring now...
And their opponents, from Asgard, accompanied by the Mighty Odin, Thor and Tyr - the WARRIOR GODS!
("Devil in the Kitchen" by Ashley MacIsaac plays. Thor and Tyr enter. Tyr is carrying a sword in his only hand, and Thor carries his short-handled warhammer. They receive a good reaction.)
Wait! Up there! On the Monstron! It's the Vegas Connection! What do THEY want?
Lester Leary: Hey Warrior Gods! You said you'd fight up to three teams at Monster Bash! Well, say hello to team #2! We've signed the contract, and boy, you're going down - JACK!
Larry Lowbrow: Hey Tyr, you've only got one hand - I guess that means it's gotta work double-time, if ya know what I mean... way hey heeeey! Hahaha!
Rimshot: Odin - you've got one eye; I've got no legs. But I can still beat you from here back to Vegas, and see if I don't!
Lester Leary: You've said just about enough. At Monster Bash, it'll be heaven for us, and HELL FOR YOU! JACK!
And just like that, they're gone! Oh well, onto the match! ***bell rings.
"Hi" Interestrate starts off with Thor. Thor gives Interestrate a massive slam! And a big elbowdrop from the middle rope! He picks up "Hi", and gives him a piledriver! OUCH! Tag to Tyr.
Tyr with a one-handed chokeslam! Not like he gotta choice, bein' one-handed an'all.
He pulls Dow Jones into the ring and gives him a one-handed chokeslam! Now he's motionin' to Odin! Whad they doin'?
Odin is pulling from underneath the ring, a piece of grating to be used for the catwalks in the Heaven and Hell Lightning Match!
Tag to Thor. Thor takes the grating and holds it high! The ref warning that if he hits anyone with it, the Warrior Gods will be disqualified!
But wait, Odin is showing the match contract to the ref! It appears as though this might be LEGAL! Have these two been talking to Bait & Switch?
The ref's letting him do it! The grating slams into Dow's head, and the grating is dented! Dow Jones is busted wide open!
It looks like tonight we've taken a little more hardcore turn. But I don't hear any of our fans complaining!
'Cept maybe the ones in Hamilton, what wit' you knockin' em an'all.
"Hi" Interestrate making a last-ditch effort with his nosehold on Tyr. The ref is asking Tyr if he submits... Thor with a mighty wallop of the grating on "Hi". He's reaching for his warhammer now! This could get REALLY ugly!
He's gonna do it! He's really gonna bash in the Finance Department with Mjolnir! The Finance Department is begging off!
Thor winding up...the Finance Department clears off and they're running like hell! The audience is helping to count them out: 6.....7.....8.....9.....10!
Here are your winners, as a result of a count-out, Thor and Tyr, the Warrior Gods!
Tyr takes some time to talk to camera, about how this is what Generation X and the Vegas Connection can expect.
Let's take you now to a triangle match. DeRanged, Pedro Chang and BILL in a non-title contest.
The following triangle match is set for two falls. Making his way toward the ring first, from Springfield, Illinois, BILL!
(The 1812 Overture plays. BILL comes out. His cheers are greatly diminished this week. He still carries the razor scars from "Black" Jack Dealer.)
Next, from South Central L.A., accompanied by Bucho Mugralez, the Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is not a championship belt but it's close" belt champion, "The Chinese Spic" Pedro Chang!
("Rico Suave" by Gerrardo plays. Pedro is carrying the baseball bat covered in barbed wire that will be used in his ladder match at Monster Bash.)
And our final competitor, from Edison, New Jersey, DeRanged!
("Black Sabbath" by Black Sabbath plays. He is smoking a cigarrette, and brings it to the ring with him. He puts out the cigarrette in BILL's face, burning him. The crowd gives a mixed reaction, leaning to cheers.)
***bell rings. I have no idea why DeRanged did that! Oh never mind, he's deranged! BILL now has not only the razor scars, but a big burn in the middle of his forehead!
Man, he certainly is getting it from all sides, isn't he?
Indeed he is. DeRanged and Chang just destroying BILL together - I suppose they just want him out of the way, so they can beat each other up alone. DeRanged going for the Death Grip: BILL's arm goes up once...twice...Chang hits the L.A. Hangover on DeRanged! The hold is broken! DeRanged glares at Chang. BILL gives DeRanged a BILLplex, but it's no-sold! It looks like the plan to eliminate BILL has backfired. BILL with a dropkick on Chang. He exits the ring and comes back with the bat. DeRanged is mocking fear! BILL lunges for the bat...Chang swipes him in the arm! The bat is lodged! They can't pry it loose! DeRanged takes the opportunity and gives BILL a DDT! The bat gets lodged even further! The mat is turning red...more so.
Man, this is nasty! I don't know if we should keep this up, or our Monster Bash buyrates might go down!
(To ring) Hey guys! We're running low on time! End it quick, will you please?
Well then. Chang hits an L.A. Hangover on BILL:1...2...3! He rips out the bat! BILL is groping his arm and DeRanged throws him into the audience.
Pedro motions for Bucho Mugralez to hold DeRanged...Chang with an overhead smash...DeRanged moves out of the way! Chang has lodged the bat in Bucho Mugralez' head! Thank goodness the sombrero took most of it!
DeRanged gives Chang the death grip! 1......2........3! This match is done!
And not a second too soon. We hope you've enjoyed the big-10th extravaganza, and join us next week for a hopefully less chaotic card!
Until next week, keep your pants off!
(c) Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre 1997