(Interior pan of the Cowpie Palace. Instead of fireworks, the two guys in the ring are waving two giant air fresheners around. Girl Friday nods her head in approval and begins to flop around.)
Hi there folks, and thanks for tuning in to another Friday Friday Friday. We have another action packed card for you tonight, and with me here as always to announce what we've got is Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando.
Yeppers. First up we've got DOOM as he takes on an angry Gruff. Then Nip will fight that little twerp the Pencil Necked Geek. The Bad Asses will take on Milwaukee's Best in a respect match. Finally we've got a weird one here, dreamed up by that crazy Der Kommissaar no doubt.
[[[It wasn't me! Liar! End transmission!]]]
What the hell? Um...anyway...a triangle match in which a "coal miner's daughter", that being Loretta Lynn, will be hung upside down over the ring. The first person to get to her can use her as a weapon. The guys who get to fight in this thing are B.F. Sack, Prisoner X, and Dr. Snare.
Well, you can't fault this triangle match for its creativity. Our first match is just about to get underway.
Introducing first, from Birmingham, England, and weighing in at 450 pounds, Gruff. ("Scooby Snacks" by the fun loving criminals plays. Gruff is accompanied by his goat, Billy, and the massive animal looks ready for a fight.)
And now, hailing from Jackson Tennesee, with a weight of 275 pounds, DOOM. ("Bleak December" by Counting Crows plays, Kandi follows DOOM down to the ring, but he ignores her.)
I sure hope that goat is finally under control, I don't want him coming down here anymore stealing my food. I might just have to feed Pencil Necked Geek to him, but since he's so small, the goat would just get hungrier.
That's enough hyping of your battles with PNG from you, Glutton. I know that PNG has something up his sleeve, you'd just better figure out what. Doom and Gruff lock up, but Doom is giving away almost 200 pounds here, and it shows by the way that Gruff just tossed Doom across the ring like a rag doll. Gruff is in there close with Doom, crushing him against the corner, wait a minute, awwww that's gross, Doom just reached up and bit off a piece of Gruff's ear.
Let me guess, the ref didn't see a damn thing.
That seems to be the case because the ref is letting this one continue. But Gruff has been thrown off his gameplan completely, and Doom knocks the big man to the ground with a missile dropkick. Doom wraps his arm around Gruff's meaty neck, and works away, trying to choke him out.
Does Gruff have a neck? Gruff is working to his feet, and Doom is still holding on. Gruff with an elbow to Doom's gut. Another, and another, Doom finally lets go, and both men now facing each other, exchanging blow after blow. Doom is bound to lose this battle, and he goes down.
I don't know how you can beat this guy. He's bleeding all over the place, but after that initial shock, he has been able to ignore it completly. I think Doom is in for a rough ride, and this after he almost won the belt back a few weeks ago.
Gruff with the big splash, just putting a hole in Doom's chest.
Gruff has set it up, he now makes the goat horn signal for the Billy Goat Moonsault. Up he goes, and yes, he hits it. 1..2..3. Billy the Goat brays in excitement as Gruff picks up an easy win.
Here is your winner, GRUFF.
Wow, Gruff really took care of Doom quick. What is your prediction on the next one Glutton, let me guess, you'll say PNG doesn't have a chance.
Naw, no predictions when Nip is involved. He might see those hot dogs being passed around and get confused because they smell familiar.
Now entering the arena, from Computers Unknown, and weighing in at....(holy moly!) only 115 pounds... The Pencil Necked Geek!(The Beer Barrel Polka plays, and PNG comes in looking more emaciated then ever. He glares over at the Glutton as he passes, there is no love lost between these two.)
And now, from parts unknown, weighing in at 268 pounds, Nip the Necrophiliac. ( The Blue Danube Waltz plays. An extremely tall thin man walks slowly to the ring, his stovepipe hat almost reaching the ceiling. Nip is holding his 'manager', the dead llama, under one arm.)
Oh man, that thing is so dusty that I can't believe that it hasn't fallen apart yet.
Yeah, Nip should see a doctor or something.
And here we go. PNG looks so disgusted that he has to fight Nip, but it was either this or fight Tyrone Mayhem, and he sure as hell didn't want to do that. Er...or so it seems. PNG with the arm drag on Nip, and kicks the Necrophiliac in the face. Nip is back up, and scoop slam on PNG. There was some real height on that one, and the look on PNG's face tells the story.
Yeah, well when you weigh only 115 pounds, there isn't a whole lot holding you to the ground.
Nip is moving awfully slow out there. When he finally realises that he has PNG at his mercy, PNG is already up on the top rope getting ready to jump him. Nip looks up at the last second, just to receive two small feet in his face. PNG with the cover. 1...2., Kickout.
what is wrong with Nip, he should have wiped the mat with that scrawny PNG.
Probably not getting enough of the good stuff at the graveyard.
Vince, I'm surprised at you, you've been hanging around with that Monday Night crowd too much. PNG with a weak knife chop to Nip's chest, but Nip goes down like a ton of bricks. Now PNG is going up again, a Frog splash, come on that couldn't have hurt much, yet Nip is acting like Bohemoth just fell on him or something. What the heck is going on here.
PNG is continuing to take it to Nip. Whats this, PNG is going to powerbomb him. OK it's not a powerbomb, he can't get him up, no way no how, uh, uh. But wait, it looks like PNG is going for the Sharpened Pencil. He hits it, and Nip crumples to the ground like one of his love interests. Ref raises the arm: 1..2..3.
Hey, wait a minute, the Necrophiliac is taking something out of his shirt pocket. Looks like a map, once Nip has it he takes off like a flash. What.....Directions to the local funeral home. Oh No, looks like someones Aunt Bessie is going to get violated right in the coffin, this is just too much, even I've lost my appetite now, and that's never happened before.
Here is your winner, The Pencil Necked Geek!
And I just heard that Nip has left the building for good. Oh well, I hope he continues to enjoy his love interests. I don't know if we'll ever see him again. Let's just hope, or not hope as the case may be.
Up next we have a the Bad Asses as they take on Milwaukee's Best. These two teams want respect, and what better way to gain respect then beating the crap out of each other.
Nah, the best way to gain respect is by winning pie-eating contests. I win them all the time, and everyone loves me when I do.
Now entering the ring area, from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, weighing in at a combined 550 lbs, Milwaukee's Best. ("Welcome to the Jungle" by Guns and Roses plays. Good crowd pop for these two, who come in just finishing a couple of cans of "Old Milwaukee".)
And now, from Oakland, California with a combined weight of 470 pounds, Mark and Chris, The Bad Asses. ("TNT" by AC/DC plays, the two come in cocky as always, showing off, but the crowd doesn't seem too impressed.)
Here we go, Beast Light and Mark lock up. Mark gets Beast Light in a headlock, and is now reaching under with several cheap shots from the closed fist, but the ref is letting it go. Mark is really tearing into this Beast Light guy. I think the Bad Asses want to finish this fast before they have to face the Beast.
Mark with the tag to Chris. They are double-teaming Beast Light, and the ref is distracted by the Beast trying to get into the ring. The ref is trying to hold beck the Beast. Good Luck. Mark and Chris are continuing to pound on Beast Light. Mark holds Beast Light up, and Chris goes up to the top rope. Chris comes down with the flying elbow, but owwwww, Beast Light ducks out of the way and Chris smashes into his partner. Both men are laid out, and Beast Light is making his way into the ring.
The man of few words has been tagged in, and is slowly coming toward the prone Badasses, they hear him coming and try to get out of the ring, but Beast grabs Chris by the hair. Beast has Chris by the by the throat now, he goes up, and Choke Slam. A bunch of hair comes out of Chris' head, and Beast tosses it into the crowd, quite a souvenir. Beast drops a huge leg across Chris' chest, you can hear the woosh of breath from here. Ref counts 1..2.. Mark comes in and pushes Beast off of Chris.
That might have been a big mistake, you can hear the profanities from here, and Beast looks about ready to tear Mark apart. Beast shows some agility as he spinwheel kicks Mark across the ring and out, and he looks toward Chris once more. Grabs him in the head lock, and Bulldogs him across the ring. Beast looks up and Beast Light says something to him. They make the tag, and Beast Light is in there. Beast Light with the Belly to Back suplex, and ref counts. 1..2.. Kickout.
Chris is starting to wake up again, now that he doesn't have to face the Beast anymore. What's this Bad Asscutter, out of nowhere. Imagine that. 1..2..3. Oh, what a comeback by the Badasses.
Here are your winners, the Badasses.
Beast does not look too pleased with his partner's performance, the Badasses won even though they are half dead. Oh well, it happens. On to our next match.
Ladies and Gentlemen. Children of all ages. Your Holiness...Tonight you will see a triangle match between BF Sack, Prisoner X, and Dr. Snare. Introducing first, Loretta Lynn, the coal miner's daughter. (They string a rope around her ankles and she goes up upside down to a level just above the reach of a step-ladder.) And now, from Jackson Tennesee, Dr. Snare. And right behind him hitting him in the head is Prisoner X and his guards, and there's BF Sack and, oh, I give up.
These guys are going crazy, they're not even in the ring yet and they have already started. Prisoner X is trying to make a break for it, but BF Sack drags him down. BF Sack is on top of him, trying to get Prisoner X to swallow the rest of his remaining teeth. Dr. Snare has taken off and is now in the ring. He's climbing the ladder to get at Loretta Lynn already, and he's got her down. Her face is completely red from the blood rush, and she falls on her butt as soon as she tries to stand.
Hmmm... some weapon she'll be, I'd settle for a side of beef or something.
I know you would, isn't that what happened at the Bunkhouse 'Blivion Brawl? Prisoner X is raving at how BF Sack has cost him another perceived chance at freedom. He is using Sack's head to make a hole in the ground, while Snare lies down in the middle of the ring laughing his head off. Who's that coming up behind Dr. Snare? It's Tiger, he hits Snare over the head with a ring bell, and puts him in the rack. Snare is already out, so there is no way he can submit, and before the ref can turn around Tiger tosses Snare onto the floor and makes his escape. Loretta is now alone.
Uh-oh, Prisoner X just saw Loretta standing there alone, and he has that look that I get when I see a big juicy cheeseburger just waiting to be eaten. He grabs Loretta and pushes her down. The censors aren't gonna like this.
Prisoner X is now otherwise occupied. BF Sack takes advantage and kicks his butt off of Loretta. Loretta Lynn is now on BF Sack's side and she gives a mighty kick to Prisoner X's groin. B.F. Sack goes for the Domino Effect, and it's on. Prisoner X is trying to get out. If there's one thing he knows about it's pain. He's making his way over to the ropes, but his hands are not free! He slaps a toe of his boot on the rope, just barely. The ref makes Sack break the hold.
Ohh, did you see that, Sack is so mad about his hold being ruined that he just knocked the ref out. Now there's no one to call the DQ, oh what to do.
Look at that, Snare has awakened, and now he puts the piledriver on Sack. Prisoner X takes advantage, and he goes right after Sack, pushing Snare out of the way to get at him. Lockdown is applied, and Sack is screaming for release. But he ain't gonna get paroled until that ref wakes up. Loretta kicks X in the head repeatedly, and he finally lets go.
The ref finally wakes up and calls the guards over. He thinks that Prisoner X hit him in the head. Prisoner X is innocent I tells ya, he got a raw deal! He's going berserk fighting about ten guards and winning. Oh no, somebody just stuck a syringe in his arm, and X goes quiet.
Now its B.F. Sack and Dr. Snare. Loretta Lynn goes after Snare and gets smashed in the face by one of Snare's fists. I think he thought she was a man. Easy mistake. BF Sack goes wild on Snare though, and grabs a knee and twists around. He signals for the Domino Effect, and puts it on right in the middle of the ring. This time there is no escape for Dr. Snare, and the ref calls for the bell.
Here is your winner by Submission, BF Sack.
Sack is yelling out "LORETTA, LORETTA" and raising his hands in the air. Looks like these two are in love or something.
Yup, anything can happen in the...... Anyway, that's it for another Friday Friday Friday, and it was just Faaaaabulous. For Gary the Glutton Gourmando, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying goodnight. Don't forget to watch us next Friday for out tenth installment of Friday Friday Friday, and why you ask, because one Friday is never enough. TGIF.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre