FFF#32 (Copp = Crapp)

(FFF opens with a new theme song, accompanied by a montage of STWF superstars... and subsuperstars (Sorry, BILL))

FFF Theme:
B.F. Sack, Dr. Snare
Mobster Tony (watch the hair!)
Gary Gourmando, what a cow!
Look, here comes the Tiger now!

Très Sheik is a classy guy
Big Bohemoth's got one eye
Charlie's Angels from Hoi Phong
BIG Sir claims he's long

douja's always smokin' pot
Necro Phil says "Cold is Hot!"
Hank's got the 19:50
Grampa's Old Boys, just too nifty!
It's Friday Friday Friday and there's gonna be a fight
And all my rowdy friends are comin' over tonight!

(Fade-in to a cpacity FFF crowd. Well, the stands that the camera is facing are full, anyway)
Hello again, wrestling fans, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden and welcome to Friday Friday Friday! Alongside me again this week is Captain Twilight.
Good to be back, Vince.
We have a great show lined up for you tonight! The Circus Freaks take on the Techie Salesmen from Hell for the tag straps. Sir Hungalot will battle Necro Phil. Homicidal Hank faces off against Viet Kong. And our opening bout will be Arnold vs. newcomer and former WWF "worker" (wink, wink), Flash Flanagan. But the first order of business here at the top of the show deals with Oliver Copp's Smoky Championship Wrestling. Now, our competition puts on a show of their own on the weekends, but it can't measure up to ours. In fact, their show is . . . I hope you're sitting down, fans . . . (gasp) TAPED!
Uh, ix-nay on the aped-tay, Vince.
So, since they have made disparaging remarks about our product on THEIR shows, we would like to begin Friday Friday Friday tonight by reading the results of their "Smoky Saturday Night" program.
Go get 'em, Vince!!!
OK, here we go:
- Corporal Punishment defeated Private Parts with a sleeper in 25 seconds.
- DJ Razzmatazz defeated Henry the Slow in a no-DQ match via . . . DQ in 34 seconds.
- Sherman the Kinky Clown defeated IRONMAN via DQ in 0 minutes, 0 seconds.
- Mookie the Magnificent battled Happy McCrappy to a time-limit draw in 6 hours, 34 minutes, 14 seconds in a no-time limit match.
- Smokin' Joe Flamboyant defeated Waverider Bob with a football tackle in 2 minutes, 12 seconds.
Yeah, like THAT could happen.
- The Eskimo Express won back their tag titles from the O-So Bad Boyz when Nanook made Chaz J submit to an armbar in 3 hours, 29 minutes.
- And, in the main event, Heinrich the Singing Nazi retained his OCSCW title when he beat Constable Nigel with "The Final Solution" in 56 seconds.
Heh, with a card like THAT no wonder they're only beating us by ONE MEASLY POINT in the ratings.
Plus, they're TAPED!
VINCE! You know how this show is called FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY?
What day do you watch the show on?
Usually Monday. Sometimes Saturday or Sunday.
Soooo . . .
Oh, what's the use. Get on with the matches.
First up, we have Arnold and Flash Flanagan. Announcer Lad, take it away!
This contest is scheduled for one fall (thankfully). Making his way to the ring first, from Corinth, Kentucky, perhaps the only lightheavyweight ever to weigh 275 lbs., "Flash" Flanagan!
("Walk" by Kilgore plays. Flash enters wearing the ever-so-fashionable tie-dye shirt, baggy jeans, and Airwalks. I wish I was making this up, folks, honest. Boos and chants of "jobber" abound.)

Boy, looks like Flanagan's reputation preceeds him.
That's what happens when you go to a fed like the STWF from one so popular. And least nobody can claim he sold out.
And his opponent, representing Grampa's Old Boys and accompanied by Grampa, from Seattle, Washington and weighing 387 pounds....ARNOLD!
("Selling the Drama" by Live plays. Surprisingly, Arnold is getting something resembling a pop.)

Arnold seems to be garnering a cult following.
***bell rings.
They circle. They lock up. Waistlock by Flash. Reversal by Arnold. Powerslam! Flash up quickly, wristlock by Flanagan. Arnold reverses and tosses Flanagan to the outside.
Wow. Impressive show of power by Arnold.
Flanagan looks groggy. He climbs back into the ring. Flash off the ropes, Arnold misses with a lariat, here comes Flash off the other side . . . Hurricanrana!
Wow! Flash showing us some of the moves that made him a semi-success in the WWF for five minutes.
Well put. Whip into the corner by Flash. OH! Big boot by Arnold as Flash attempted a corner splash. Flash steadies himself. Here he comes again, and this time he connects with a dropkick that takes Arnold down. Flash plays to the crowd.
Arnold looks strange . . .
Oh, my! Arnold, or Walter, if you will, is going postal on Flash!
I haven't seen a beating like this since I got jumped at the airport by some Hare Krishnas!
Uh, OK. Big powerbomb by Walter! Pickup. DDT!
Would that be Arnold's DDT?
In a manner of speaking. Cover . . . One . . . Two . . . THREE!
Here is your winner . . . ARNOLD!
Here is your winner . . . WALTER!
An interesting opening bout, wouldn't you say, Cap?
Well, Flash Flanagan will go down in history as one of the few guys to ever LOSE his debut bout. All thanks to Arn - er - Walter!
Next up, Necro Phil takes on Sir Hungalot.
This contest is scheduled for one fall. Making his way first, one- half of the Unlikely Alliance, weighing 250 lbs., SIR HUNGALOT!
("Love Roller Coaster" plays as he enters to a reasonable pop.)
Making his way down the aisle, weighing 238 pounds, from Newark, New Jersey, representing Club Med, NECRO PHIL!
("Last Dance with Mary Jane" by Tom Petty plays. Phil is carrying a cardboard box. Written on the side is "Helena" in black magic marker.)

***bell rings.
Here we go. Top wristlock by Necro Phil. Reversal into a side headlock by Hungalot. Bulldog!
I'm hungry!
Quiet down, you! Phil is up. Whip to the ropes by Phil . . . flying forearm levels Hungalot. Pickup by the head. Piledriver!!!
Hungalot needs to make something happen now! Also, I could use a hot dog!
I told you to wait for the commercial.
Well, I wish the bookers would hurry up and end this match so I can get a bite to eat! Where that script?
Script? Bookers? Huh? Heh, heh.
There! That ought to do it!
Pickup by Phil. Inside cradle by Hungalot . . . One . . . Two . . . THREE!
Here is your winner, SIR HUNGALOT!!!
Inside cradle? Oh, THAT was original.
I'll be at the concession stand if you have any further insults.
We'll be right back.

(A picture of a bowling ball is shown next to a brick)
Announcer: Hey, remember that time when there was that "Where's the Cap'n" deal? Well, you know who took him? It wasn't the Soggies, it was me!
Diversity at Tonea's.

What the hell?
Back to the action now as Homicidal Hank battles Viet Kong in what should be one interesting match.
Coming to the ring at this time, accompanied by Charlie, weighing 348 pounds, from Hoi Phong, Vietnam . . . VIET KONG!!!
(The "Charlie's Angels" theme by Vietallica plays. Viet Kong walks down the aisle. He shows his large arm-span, and his 14 fingers (including the bright orange replacement). The crowd boos, um, a lot.)
And his opponent, making his way down the aisle, accompanied by Spike, weighing 257 pounds, from . . . Intercourse? . . . Pennsylvania, here is HOMICIDAL HANK!!!
("I'm Going Slightly Mad" by Queen plays. Big pop)

Viet Kong sizes up Hank. They lock up, chokehold by Hank. The referee admonishing him.
Pretty strict referree. Wait! It's Raoul Ramon Martinez, the Mexico Unlimited referee.
(Pause to allow newbies to collectively cry out, 'WHO?")
What's HE doing here?
Ahhh! That one phrase is the sign of a good wrestling show!
Anyway, Hank seems irritated by his strictness.
Any idea why he would have it in for Hank?
Nope. Scoop-slam by Kong. Hank up quickly. He throws a hard right hand at Kong, and whips him into the corner.
Ramirez continues to admonish Hank. This time for the closed-fist.
Hank climbing the turnbuckle . . . but Ramirez pulls him down!?!
RRR: Whass rrrong with jhou, chico? Thass illegal, man(g).
UH-OH! Hank has had enough! He's signalling for . . . YES! POWERBOMB BY HANK ON RAOUL RAMON RAMIREZ!!!
That makes 101 DQ's for Hank via referee powerbomb.
And Hank storms out of the arena leaving a puzzled Viet Kong and Charlie to wonder what the heck just happened.
They aren't as puzzled as I or the home viewers are, Vince. And, in the end, I guess that's our goal: puzzled viewers annoyed by the outcome of our matches.
Anyway, it's time for the main event. Next up, it's the tag team championship bout, as The Techies take on The Circus Freaks.
Coming to the ring at this time, the challengers, with a combined weight of 420 pounds, from Silicon Valley, Sixth Circle of Hell . . . THE TECHIE SALESMEN FROM HELL!!!
(The boys enter to a mixed reaction as the five-note Intel Inside jingle...jingles.)
And their opponents, from parts unknown, with a combined weight of 561 pounds, the current STWF World Tag Team Champions . . . THE CIRCUS FREAKS!!! (As the calliope music...calliopes, the champs come out to a decent pop)

***bell rings.
Dizzy Desi and Bait to start things off. They lock up. Dizzy Desi gets the best of this, and turns it into a German suplex. Pickup by Desi . . . whip to the turnbuckle . . . splash!
You enjoy that hot dog?
Dang, that's good pig scrotum!

Sorry we're so late, but yes folks, this program has just been rated TV-PG-DV, whatever the hell "D" means.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh . . . anyway, Bait coming back now. Drop toe hold into a facelock. Front chancery now applied by Bait.
He's trying to slow his match down. I don't think the techies can match power with the Freaks.
Whip to the ropes by Bait . . . slingshot into the corner!
Yeah, but Bait slingshot him into his own corner! Not smart!
Indeed, now Desi tags out to Sasquatch. Big right hand by Sasquatch floors Bait. Pickup by Sasquatch . . .
Sasquatch: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaghhhh!
That CAN'T be a good sign for Bait.
Nope. POWERBOMB! Wow, the ring almost collapsed on that one. Bait is groggy, and is just barely able to tag out. Sasquatch continues the assault. Going for another powerbomb . . . OH! Reversal into a faceslam by Switch! Sasquatch is dazed, and Switch is going up top. Sunset flip off the top turnbuckle . . . One . . . Two . . . Kickout!
So close. Or something.
Yeah. Sasquatch Tags out to Desi. Desi with a standing sidekick! Switch is reeling, and Desi comes back with a dragon suplex!
Switch better tag out.
Hot tag to Bait! Bait is going nuts! He's getting his second wind! He's a house of fire!
Anyway, Bait in total control! Reverse Pildriver! Switch is occupying Sasquatch with a nifty sales pitch on a 386sx motherboard.
Sasquatch seems intrigued.
Bait's going for the Hard Sell! There it is, the couble-underhook backbreaker! This could be it! One . . . Two . . . THREE! And we have new champs!
Here are your winners, and NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW STWF Tag Team Champions . . . THE TECHIE SALESMEN FROM HELL!!!
We are desperately out of time, but we've seen some interesting matches tonight!
Join us next week, because one Friday is never enough!
Hey! That's my -
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre