Friday Friday Friday#31: Everything Old Is New Again

Hi everybody. Here we are in Anytown, USA, half filling our town famous arena. I have to do all the commentating tonight, due to the unfortunate "diaper rash" problem that Cap is suffering from. So tonight we have the tri....Oh God No.
BRRRAAAAPPP! Oh yes. I'm back and full of food, and ready to cram in some more. So how's it going Vinny?
Not too good, now. Anyway, with me here tonight is the gigantic Glutton, fresh from a bender from the smell of it. Anyway as I was saying, tonight we have the triumphant return of ThatGuy, as he looks to remove some fingers from Viet Kong. Also we have Luke Warm as he takes on Rich the Gay bartender..and then...
Don't bend over Luke Warm, I hear that Rich likes young bald-headed guys.
AND THEN then Chosen Ones will battle the Ambulance Jockeys, and to top it all off, "Roughrider" Bill Murtough will try to bounce back against Plemmy the Demonic Clown. Tonight I think we'll do something really original and start off the proceedings with an exciting tag team match up.
I'll be back in a minute, I'm just going to waddle over to get myself a couple of beers, want anything?
Nope, take your time.
Now entering the arena, weighing in at a combined 475 pounds, Garry "the Gurney" Greene, and Barry "the Backboard" Brown, they are the Ambulance Jockeys! (they enter to their theme.)
("the Dreidel Song" begins to play) And now, what you've all been waiting for, at a combined weight of only 228 pounds, accompanied to the ring by Grampa, Irving Goldstein and Jeffrey Steingold, the Chosen Ones. Oh yeah, they are also holders of that highly contested Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver championship belts. Pfff.

So away we go. Irving and Garry start off. Irving wants the test-o'- strength right off the bat. They lock up, Irving sent right down to the mat in a second. Garry lets go, and gives Irving a double-axehandle right on the melon. Irving crumples like an old blanket.
Old being the key word in this case. Garry makes the tag to Barry, looks like Barry wants a chunk of meat from Irving.
I see you're back with a six-pack and a giant doughnut, just don't get anything on the controls will you? Anyway, Barry drags Irving to his feet, and drops him again with a left-handed lariat. Oh, cheap tactics by Irving, he just reached up and grabbed a certain something in Barry's pants, now Barry's rolling around on the mat while Irving tags in Jeffrey Steingold.
Nice intro for these Ambulance Guys, but if he's too hurt, that nice little nurse at ringside will help that area I'm sure.
There goes our rating again.

You said it, Vince. TV-14 it is.

Jeffrey with a side-headlock on the weakened Barry. Barry is standing up, and now takes Jeffrey for a backwards run into the Ambulance Jockeys' turnbuckle. Jeffrey slumps down, it looks like the old fellow is just about out. Nurse Heidi grabs him by the throat. She's strangling the poor guy! Grampa gets in there and tries to take out Heidi, but she just turns around and slaps him silly, now Grampa goes down. That doesn't show any manners, attacking a woman like that.
Uh-oh, big Mittens was in the back, he's rumbling down to ringside, and it looks like he's not to happy about this treatment of Grampa.
Mittens makes sure Grampa is OK, meanwhile in the ring, Barry is getting the pin on Jeffrey. 1..2.., Oh here comes Mittens, he picks up Barry by the hair, turns him around and choke-slams him in the center of the ring. The ref is being distracted by Grampa, who is faking a heart-attack....or is he?
Well, looks like the ref has turned around, thanks to the screaming from Heidi, all he sees is Jeffrey lying on top of Barry, while Mittens beats the crap out of Garry on the outside. Ref shrugs and counts, 1...2...3.
Oh what an injustice, how could he not see Mittens in the ring, he was right beside him for crying out loud. Oh well, these Ambulance Jockeys suffer a defeat to the Old Boys.
Here are your winners, The Chosen Ones of the Old Boys' Network.
Here comes the rest of the members of Club Med, but they're a little late, because the Old Boys are out of there with another cheap win. Now we are going to solve one of the big questions of the night. How many fingers will Viet Kong lose tonight?
I have a feeling that after this, Kong will finally be normal, and ThatGuy will be full of fingers. I'm hungry, but not as hungry as ThatGuy looked when this match was signed.
Now entering the ring, accompanied by the wheelbarrow man, and BILL, representing the Asylum Alliance, weighing 266 1/2 lbs., ThatGuy. (Big Pop from the crowd as ThatGuy jumps out of the wheelbarrow, pointing to his disgusting yellow teeth with mysterious chunks in between them.)
Now, coming out of the back, with his diminutive manager Charlie, from Hai Phong, Vietnam, weighing 345 pounds, its Viet Kong. (Crowd scrambles to get a look at Kong's hands, sure enough, he's got 14 digits in total, Charlie's voice can be heard above all "SEEEE, I tol youuu.")

ThatGuy and Kong circling, trying to fake each other out. ThatGuy makes a chomping motion with his teeth, and Kong crackles his knuckles.
Oh man, did you here that, it sounded like a machine gun. ThatGuy rushes Kong, Kong just grabs him and tosses him into the corner.
Kong in there with a huge elbow to ThatGuy's head. He rakes the lunatic's eyes, and ThatGuy drops to his knees in agony. Kong convinces ThatGuy to slowly rise to his feet, and then shows his power by holding ThatGuy in a vertical suplex. ThatGuy is down with a crash. Kong with the cover. 1..2.., kickout by ThatGuy.
ThatGuy looks a little slow here. He could be rusty, or all those fingers must have him confused. Which one should he bite off, big or small, mutation, or regular, thumb or pinky. Which one goes down the hatch?
ThatGuy should concentrate on staying alive. Kong is just tearing him apart in there. Kong with a belly to belly suplex, now he's on top of ThatGuy, repeatedly hitting him with those gigantic closed fists. Ewww, blood is flowing from ThatGuy's nose. And you can expect plenty more of this at Heart-Breaking Hell, only on PPV!
ThatGuy: Aaaack. You made me bleed my own blood, you're gonna pay for that. YOU'RE NOT SAFE!
ThatGuy with a thumb to Kong's eye, he now grabs two handfuls of Kong's chest hair and rips it out.
Yikes, I hate it when that happens.
ThatGuy now out of the ring. He grabs the Wheelbarrow at ringside and tosses it in. Kong's crawling around, picking up his lost hair and he gets hit right in the head by the Wheelbarrow. The massive gorilla goes down in a heap. The ref is calling for the bell, but ThatGuy doesn't seem to hear it. Or care.
ThatGuy is chomping down on Kong's left pinky, well one of his pinkies on that hand. Blood is spurting, ThatGuy is shaking his head back and for...and yes, that an arterial spurt. ThatGuy swallows with a grin on his face.
Viet Kong is now strangling ThatGuy, trying to get the finger back. Security officials are in, and they're wrenching these two apart. I guess Viet Kong can only gloat about thirteen fingers now. But that's still impressive.
Where are those medics now? I think Viet Kong might want a Band-Aid.
The winner of this match as a result of a disqualification....Viet Kong.
Well, while the cleaning guys wipe the blood off the mat, we'll go to a nice message from our sponsors.

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Remember, Marq's has mites.

Well, that was pretty weird. Anyway here we go with another exciting match up. The electricity is building in anticipation of this huge match-up, get ready to blow the roof off of...
Oh put a sock in it. We've got another Texan, and a gay guy fighting.
Now entering the ring, accompanied by Angel, Rich the Gay Bartender. ("Pretty in Pink" by the Psychadelic Furs plays. Stuff is thrown by the crowd...and to think, just a few months ago these guys loved Sunflower..go figure.)
(sound of stuff breaking is heard, and out runs Luke Warm with no preamble at all, so call the match already.)

Luke Warm with a flurry of fists to Rich's head, the top one that is, and now with repeated kicks to the head. Rich is lying prone on the mat, how will he recover from such an onslaught?
By doing something like that. Ouch!
Owww, and he twists it too. Rich is back up, grinning a wide grin, I think he said something pretty bad in there, because Luke looks about ready to toss his cookies. Rich with the dropkick, Luke Warm back into the far turnbuckle. Rich gets up on the top rope, circling those hips, what is he gonna do next?
BRAAAAAP! Big smooch on Lukewarm's bald head, and now Rich with the Frankinsteiner, Luke Warm lying in a heap across the ring.
Rich is going up top, and 450... ohhh, he missed it that's got to hurt. Luke Warm didn't move an inch, I guess there must be something wrong with Rich's eyesight. Could this end in a double count-out? The ref is counting: 7...8...9..., and Lukewarm gets up, and wow a surge of energy. Luke Warm straddles Rich's back and starts repeatedly punching him in the back of the head. Why is the ref allowing this? Rich gets his knees under him, and...
And it looks like Luke is getting the hell away from that particular position. Luke just standing there shaking his head.
***bell rings.
Ladies and Gentlemen, this bout has been ruled a time-limit draw. Yes, I know it was short, but I don't think you'd be too keen on letting this match drag on.
Luke is out of that ring even faster than he ran in, I think he wants to wash off whatever came off that bartender.
Yeah, he'd better hit the showers before Rich gets back there, you never know what can happen if you drop the soap.
OK I'll just leave that alone. So far, three matches. No clear cut victories yet. So how do you think Roughrider is going to do in this next one Glutton?
Well, that Cowboy looks like he's ready to tear the facepaint off that so called demonic clown, but then again, Plemmy sure does have an interesting personality, or is that basically I have no idea who is going to win.
Another amazing insight from the Glutton. Let's see what Announcer Lad has to say.
Now for our FFFFFFFFFriday FFFFFFFFriday FFFFFFFFriday MMMMMMain event. *Hack* *cough* Man, I need a smoke. Now entering the ring area is Plemmy the Demonic Clown. And now "Roughrider" Bill Murtough hits the ring, and hits Plemmy with a massive fist.
That bastard Announcer Lad is doing play-by-play now? Oh, he'll get his alright. Plemmy is taking a beating in there. Roughrider with a sidewalk slam. Now he's taking the Clown into a power bomb. Plemmy is already out, but the cowboy is signalling for the Texas Tornado. He grabs the Demonic clown by the throat, takes him up spins him around, and it's all over. 1...2...3! 1 minute, 15 seconds, not too long for a Main Event, but better than some feds.
The winner of this Beating...Roughrider Bill Murtough.
But wait! Murtough's not done! He snatches off that orange wig...he pulls out his handkerchief and smears off Plemmy's facepaint.
Are we going to see who Plemmy really is? Is it the owner of that haunted amusement park, like those kids and the dog say it is?
Doubtful. But wait! He's showing the world Plemmy's true identity! It''s...SuperWrestler? Plemmy's arch-enemy? Im' confused.
Ever see them in the ring at the same time?
Ever even see them in the BUILDING at the same time?
Well...not exactly.
The prosecution rests. BRAAAAAP!
Wow...what a revelation. What the Ivory Tower intends to do about this, I don't know, but we'll find out soon.
Next week we've got more fun in the sun, and hopefully more blood will be spilled as we get closer to Heart-Breaking Hell. So join us for Friday Friday Friday next week, because one Friday is never enough.
©1999 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre