Friday? Already?

(The Friday Friday Friday introduction is shown. Girl Friday struts her stuff to the latest in Euro-trash Techno.)
Welcome to FFF #23, everybody! I'm Vince "Angus" McMadden, and joining me in the broadcast booth tonight is Captain Twilight.
Hello again, fans, welcome back!
We've got a less-than-tedious show for you tonight, fans. The Bad@$$es take on the Cybernetics. In a Shoot-For-Loot contest: Sir Hungalot takes on Prisoner X, and, in a rare double main event, we'll see Bohemoth take on Death, and The Crew takes on The Total Annihilators in the finals of the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver Tournament.
Wow! That IS slightly less than tedious! Amazing.
Yeah. Anyhow, let's get started with the show. Who do you like in this one, Cap?
I've got to go with the Bad@$$es, because they have not one, but two dollar signs in their name!
Sound reasoning, as always, Cap.
Domo Arigato!
Chris to start things off with Robbie the Robot. Robbie using his superior strength to put Chris in a bear hug. Chris is in excruciating pain. Wow, he's really putting it to Chris.
Yep, you always have to watch out for the cybernetically enhanced strength of the Cybernetics.
Chris wriggles his way out of the hold somehow. Kick to the face.
Always a good move, heh.
And now, a whip to the ropes . . .
***bell rings.
What happened?
The time limit of this match has expired . . . the result is a DRAW!
What is going on here? That match was only a minute long!
(THE ROGUE appears on the Monstron.)
You gibbering simps may be able to keep my wrestlers off of TV, but I am STILL a member of the Executive Committee, which means I help to write the contracts for matches. The Right Hand Man must not have proofread my contract for this match, because if he had, he would've seen that the five was removed from the time limit stipulation, reducing it from 15 to 1 minute. HAHAHAHAHA! No matter what you cranially deficient morons do, you can't stop me. Soon, I will unleash a reign of terror upon the STWF the likes of which are heretofore unknown by man or beast! Until then, I will do everything I can to ruin these so-called television shows this fed attempts to put on the air. And look on the bright side, this short match will allow time for more Meatnsaucy commercials! Der Kommissaar will be happy about his incoming ad money, I'm sure.
So let me conclude...
We've STILL got the power baby, 'cause we STILL rule the world! HA-LA!!!

Well, that was disturbing. So what's next on the show?
Well, here comes the Right Hand Man, making his second appearance in as many weeks! I hear he has a major announcement to make, but who knows why he's really out here.
According to tha Rogue, he's out here because Der Kommissaar has to take his b<-BLEEP->ch for a walk!
Oh, please! Don't you use language like that! And did you also forget that we are not supposed to make reference to a certain outcast STWF exec's comments regarding Der Kommissaar and the Right Hand Man on the last Friday Friday Friday (which, incidentally, can be found right here).
Very smooth.
Thank You. Let's listen in.
RHM: Hello everyone! I am the Right Hand Man, and behalf of everyone at the STWF I would like to thank you all for coming to the show, and for being the greatest fans in the world! Without you there would be no STWF!
(Loud pop)
Before I start, I have an announcement to make. Would the owner of a gold Honda Civic, license plate #CAP TW1, please move their vehicle. You are blocking our cargo door and we can't get our makeup personnel out. If you do not comply with this request immediately your vehicle will be towed at YOUR expense!

Oh bugger. I'll be back in a minute!
RHM: Ok, before I make a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT regarding the STWF, I would like to send a message to someone sitting at home watching this on TV. Rogue, I don't know where you are, maybe laid out on your couch at home with one of our camera guys for the Monstron, sitting in front of the television watching this great STWF show; seeing all the great superstars duke it out, seeing an actual SUCCESSFUL fed exec come out and address the fans, and seeing a truly grand show! Well, Rogue, not to worry. You don't have to come back any time soon, cause we're doing fine without you! Oh, I forgot, because of your actions just now, you're suspended from STWF shows indefinitely!!! How silly of me to not remember that! Don't You wish you were ME!!! Ha, Ha, Ha!! In fact we're all sick of your whining and complaining!! The fact of the matter is that the STWF execs didn't screw the Rogue, the Rogue screwed the Rogue!!! That's just the fact of the matter.
Now its time to get away from personal vendettas and address the real reason I'm here. It has come to the attention of the Executive Committee that you fans are always hungry to devour a new gimmick. With that in mind, I would like to tell you about what we discovered.

(panting) I'm back, what'd I miss?
Shut up and listen!
RHM: It has come to the attention of the STWF executives that there are some people living on the face of this earth that are abnormally short. Although there very few of these people around, it has been discovered that an abnormal percentage of them are professional wrestlers! With that in mind we decide to create a new championship in the STWF: The STWF Elite Dwarf Belt!
What?!? You mean we have midgets now?
Actually the politically correct term is Dwarves.
Alright, whatever! Dwarves belong with Snow White, not here, though.
RHM: Now we scoured the globe to assemble a collection of what we believe are the greatest collection of tiny combatants in the world, and the amount of talent we found was astounding! We crossed the globe many times over, and in our extensive travels we recruited ONE professional dwarf wrestler! I mean we really tried, but I guess this is the best we can do. So, without any further ado, I proudly introduce from San José, Costa Rica, at 4 ft even and 78 lbs., the First and truly UNDISPUTED STWF Elite Dwarf Champion, Pee Wee RRRico!
(PeeWee RRRico comes to the ring wearing fluorescent green spandex pants and mask)
My goodness he truly is small!! I think that 4-foot measurement may have been generous!!
Where's Pepe when you need him?
RHM: Now PeeWee, we are very proud to have you as our first dwarf Champ! Any words for the fans of the STWF?
PW: I just want to say to all the fans that I promise them I will defend this belt wherever and whenever I can, and that I will never duck a challenge made by any contender!

All well and good, but there aren't any contenders for him to face.
Will you be quiet!! You are ruining the emotion of this occasion (and also any chance of PeeWee getting over with this "DDP-esque" schtick)!
RHM: Thank you, PeeWee!
PW: Arriba!

Well, that was great! We'll be back after this short sponsored message.

Hi. I'm Fred Meatnsaucy. If you don't know me by now, then you've just gotta try my gravy. Because if you don't, this fed's going to be in a serious hurtin' for the next few PPVs. No fancy gimmicks because no ad money. So GO! NOW! Buy that gravy. Don't watch the rest of the show, because then I'll have to pay more for these ads. You think I'm doing this for my health? So go! Buy my gravy for YOUR health. Mmm, mmm, Meatnsaucy.
Yes, there's another hidden joke at the end, folks.

And we're back, and this crowd is electric!
You bet! And look who's in the front row.
It's Fred Meatnsaucy, owner of Meatnsaucy powdered gravy and proud sponsor of the STWF, enjoying some of the great action again!
Yessir. I hear he's been following the STWF for quite a while, and I know he can afford those sweet seats!
He's got the Gallery T-shirt on again. Maybe Der Kommissaar gave it to him, cause I know they're not the hottest sellers in the stands.
(every light in the building goes off in the building except for the ones behind the illuminated ads on the upper-deck faade)
LOOK! The lights just went off in the building!
Ha-La?!? That must be the Rogue!!!
(Lights go on. Rogue and the Aboriginals are standing outside the ring)
Hey you idiots! I am going to speak quickly because I just stole this mic and there are probably twenty guys from STWF personnel who are rushing over to get me off the show! First things first: Right Hand Man, you tell that fat pig Der Kommissaar that no matter what he does to keep me out of the STWF, I will be back, and whether it is here or not, I WILL make him sorry for screwing with the Rogue!!
The second thing has to do with YOU!!!
(the Rogue points at Fred Meatnsaucy)
Now look what we have here! Now I know that you have been supplying Der Kommissaar and the entire STWF with a lot of money. Now that I don't agree with, but what I really want to know is what's the deal with the shirt?!? Are you trying to humiliate us?!? Cause when you try to humiliate the Rogue, you get burned!!
(Aboriginal 1 pulls Fred over the railing while Aboriginal 2 points his ever-ready can of WD 40 at Fred, lighter poised in other hand)

Oh my God! They are going to burn Fred Meatnsaucy to death!
So what's the deal, Meatnsaucy?
Fred: The deal is I'm your biggest fan, and that I've been rooting for you guys since you started!
You mean to tell me he actually LIKES the Gallery?
What?!? You better not be lying!!
Fred: I'm not! I'm not! I even cheered for the Indestructibles when they went soft!
That guy must TRULY be a die-hard!
Well, if what you say is true, I will give you two choices. You know that when you're with the Gallery that there's NO WAY OUT! Here's the question: Are you with the Gallery, or are you (motions towards Aboriginal 2) against us?
Fred: Rogue, you don't have to threaten me! I am WITH YOU!!
Oh sh<-BLEEP->!
(the Right Hand Man and security come out. The security men grab the Aboriginals and the Rogue, cuff them and violently lead them to the back while beating them with their billy clubs.)

RHM: I told you, Rogue, not to come to our tapings! You were suspended! Now, not only did you come out and violate your suspension, but you also assaulted our main sponsor! Der Kommissaar and I have agreed that you are hereby suspended form the STWF FOR LIFE!!! You must really be an idiot! Lock that guy up boys!
(Crowd cheers the Rogues exit)
Will you listen to this!! The Rogue is gone!!! He's been banned from the STWF forever!!!
I'm more confused by that Meatnsaucy guy. Did he really mean what he said?
Listen, wouldn't you have said the same thing if you were threatened with being burned to death?!?
I doubt it. If it's a choice between getting fried or stating publicly that I'm a Gallery Fan, then you might as well light me up now!
You do have a point. Next up, we have a Shoot-For-Loot contest that pits Sir Hungalot against Prisoner X.
This ought to be, uh, interesting.
The following is a Shoot-For-Loot contest, and is set for one fall. Oh, what the hell, I quit. I'm just too hurt today to do this. Burns are flaring up. Sir Hungalot, Prisoner X, just get out here, because I'm taking a sick leave.
(They enter.)
The referee giving the instructions . . . and Hungalot grabs the mic! It looks like he has something to say.
Sir Hungalot: Prisoner X . . . you may think that with your prison background you have the advantage, but it is I who will MOUNT the greater offensive attack. You may be able to brawl, but I have superior strategy, I did graduate Magna CUM Laude from college, you know. I trained LONG AND HARD for this match, and nothing is going to stop me from COMING out ON TOP.
(Prisoner X grabs the microphone)
Prisoner X: Blah, blah, blah, My name is Sir Hungalot, blah, blah, blah, I've got a big (bleep), blah, blah, blah, I have sex a lot, blah, blah, blah. Shut up and come get your <-BLEEP->-kicking, boy!

(crowd pops)
***bell rings.
Well, strong words indeed from both men. Prisoner X with the first offensive flurry!
He's fighting like a man possessed!
Prisoner X, no doubt with considerable experience fighting in "The Yard," is having his way with Sir Hungalot . . . uhhhhhhh, so to speak!
Prisoner X is fighting like a man possessed!
Dammit! You said that already. Prisoner X continues to pummel Hungalot . . . and that's it for round one.
Well, Prisoner X is obviously in the lead, but will Sir Snuffleupagus be able to last the full three . . .
What the hell did you just say?
Vince: Um, anyway, here's the start of round two. Hungalot is still bloody from his first round beating. Prisoner X continues this beating.
He's fighting like a man possessed.
Damn you to hell! Prisoner X . . . BIG RIGHT HAND! Hungalot is down. He won't beat the referee's count on this one. Prisoner X is your winner, by a second round knockout!
Which one is Prisoner X, again?
Your wild swings from coherence to total senility are starting to annoy me.
Prisoner X: (into camera) You're next, Sack. I'm coming after you.
Well, as usual, Prisoner X now being cuffed and shackled by his guards. Up next, we've go the first half of . . .
Something's happening, Vince!
You're right! HERE COMES B.F. SACK FROM UNDER THE RING! He attacks Prisoner X as he is making his way down the aisle. Prisoner X is down and defenseless, due to his restraints. And his guards certainly don't mind seeing him get the crap kicked out of him!
Sack is putting a serious hurting on the Prisoner!
Wait! Here comes The Tiger in streetclothes! Reverse DDT on Sack! Sack is stunned, and The Tiger is pulling back the padding from ringside. He has a hold of Sack . . . TIGER DRIVER ON THE CONCRETE! The Tiger gathers up Prisoner X and escorts him to the back.
The Tiger Driver, of course, made famous by Mitsuaru Misawa. So, is that, like, his new finisher?
I don't think so. If this were TNM, it would be listed as a "finisher-like move." But, heh, we here at, heh, STWF DON'T use TNM, heh heh heh. Let's move on. Up next, it's the first half of our double main event.
Why is it called a "double main event?"
We call it that so that guys with main event quotas in their contracts can't sue us.
Well, that's all well and good, but why do they call it a "double main event."
WHA? I ... Oh, where's Chris Fry when you need him? Anyway, Bohemoth takes on Death here on FFF.
Death is still carrying the STWF World Title Belt which really belongs to B.F. Sack. The question is what will Der Kommissar do about it?
Or, will we have to wait for Sack to act on his own? Anyway, here we go. Bohemoth looks determined to get a big win here. They lock up. Blows to the midsection by Bohemoth. Whip to the ropes . . . big lariat!
Good start for Bohemoth!
Sleeperhold by Bohemoth.
Looks like he wants to wear down Death early.
Death wriggling his way out of the hold. Top wristlock by Death. Reversal by Bohemoth. Whip to the ropes . . . BIG powerslam.
All Bohemoth so far.
Big legdrop by Bohemoth. Off the ropes . . . elbowdrop.
He may go for the SMASHER right here, Vince.
Looks like it . . . no, a cover by Bohemoth. One . . . two . . . kickout by Death.
It took everything Death had left to power out of that pin, Vince.
Bohemoth celebrating his imminent victory by playing to the crowd. Death crawling to the ropes. He reaches under the ring for something . . . it's a crowbar! HE CLOCKS BOHEMOTH FROM BEHIND! Bohemoth will win this match by DQ, but he is out cold.
Plain and simple, Death wanted to retain his "belt," so he got himself DQ'ed.
Wait, here comes the entire Asylum Alliance! It looks like they're after the belt. They all jump Death and try to pull the belt away from him. There's a big pile forming in the middle of the ring!
What's going on? I can't really see.
They're unpiling . . . and . . . DEATH IS GONE AND SO IS THE BELT!
The Executive Committee will be none too pleased with this, Vince!
You got that right. OK, and up next is part two of our main event, the finals of the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver Tournament, as the Crew takes on The Total Annihilators for the right to face the Vegas Connection for the MBPD tag straps.
I like the Crew's chances in this match, as long as they stay focused.
You might be right, Cap. Stalker and Chris Fry to start things off. Chris Fry is doing a little pre-match dance. What's all this about, Captain T?
Shut up, I'm dancin'!
(Captain Twilight proceeds to stand up and mimic the gyrations of Chris Fry.) Man, what the hell is going on? What is it with you and Fry?
One of the greatest thrills of my professional career was watching Chris Fry pummel you.
Anyway, the bell sounds and we're underway. Chris Fry with a boot to the midsection. Quick roll-up . . . one . . . two! . . . threeee . . . NO! Shoulder up.
You're almost never going to win a match that quickly. Of course, back in '49 I was . . .
Anyway, Chris Fry applying a cross-armbreaker submission hold here. No, too close to the ropes, and Fry is forced to break the hold. Fry picks up Stalker by the head. Going for a piledriver . . . no! Reversal into a back body-drop by Stalker.
That was an important reversal by Stalker.
Stalker now on the offensive. Whip to the corner. Knife-edged chops.
(The ignorant STWF crowd knows they are supposed to shout something, but they can't quite remember what it is)
Another big chop by Stalker.
(Crowd looks around nervously hoping no one will notice. The crowd promises itself if there is another chop, they will shout something, even if it isn't the right thing.)
And the barrage of chops continues!
(Crowd shouts: "YOU'RE NOT SAFE," but then realizes the blunder and just wants to be somewhere else, ANYWHERE else, at that moment.)
Vince: Stalker setting up Fry for the superplex. And here comes John Whopper from behind. He's admonished by the ref, but gives Fry the time he needs to escape the ring post.
Fry would be well-advised to tag out here.
That's exactly what he does. Whopper in now to face Stalker . . . no, Carnage in. Carnage going to work on Whopper . . .
What the hell is wrong with you, Captain Twilight???
Ooohh! This is gonna be good!
(Captain T stands up and leaves his broadcasting position)
Well, Chris Fry is approaching me, despite the fact that his partner is getting worked over by Carnage in the ring.
Chris Fry: Hey, what's your problem, dude?
The old man is just trying to start trouble, don't listen to him.
(Captain T repeats the dance he did earlier)
Chris: It ain't worth it anymore, old dude.
Oh, and it looks like Carnage and Stalker have taken advantage of this situation and double-teamed Whopper! Stalker with a vicious powerbomb on Whopper. Carnage with a cover, as Fry races back to the ring . . . one . . . two . . . THREE!!! And that's it. The Total Annihilators win the tournament and the title shot, and The Crew has some problems that they need to work out it appears.
Yep, it looks like Whopper is livid with Fry!
No thanks to you, old timer! It's really all your fault. We're almost out of time, so what do you have to say for yourself?
You know, in all fairness, John Whopper was really only PARTIALLY annihilated.
(Sigh) Bye, fans.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre