Another Friday, Another (card worth a) Dollar

(Pan interior of the Cowpie Palace. the Friday Friday Friday intro is shown. The pyro guys have pyrotechnic pots, but they're not using them, preferring the flare guns. Hey, go with what you know.)
Welcome everyone to Friday Friday Friday! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and joining me is Jamal Tupac Mustafa.
Yo, V, wassup?
Um...yeah. Well, we have a show lined up for you right here. Milwaukee's Best will have their chance to get back the tag belts. They'll be taking on the newly-crowned champs, the Circus Freaks. Wrestler Smurf will have his shot at revenge and the North American Championship. In our Shoot-For-Loot, PunkMe PayMe battles ICCTINACBBIC champion the Sunflower. And in our Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tournament, the Total Annihilators will take on Generation X.
Yo V, that be a lotta matches wit champs in 'em. Do we's really gotta break the budget like dis?
This is a follow-up to the PPV. We have to keep our fans somehow! But let's kick things off with a nice warm-up match. The King will battle Sir Hungalot.
Not bad. Not good, but it ain't bad.
This contest is set for one fall. Making his way down the aisle first, accompanied by Candy Cantaloupes, from Paradise, PA and weighing 250 lbs., here is SIR HUNGALOT!
("Love Roller Coaster" by Ohio Players plays. A good reaction for the man, a REALLY good reaction for the woman.)
And his opponent, from Memphis, Tennessee, weighing 271 lbs., here is THE KING!
(The King sings himself down to less cheers. It seems he might be getting some heel heat too...)

***bell rings.
The King sheds his cape. It catches the light badly - Sir Hungalot is temporarily blinded! The King, almost expecting that reaction, gets right in there. He's pounding away! And a kneelift by the King. Sir Hungalot is back in this game, folks, and he lays an atomic drop on the man from Memphis.
Allegedly from Memphis.
Whatever. The King with a big suplex! The cover: 1...kickout. Sir Hungalot right back up, he whips the King against the ropes, the king on the return trip... back body drop by Sir Hungalot! Sir Hungalot with some hip gyrations there...sunset flip by the King! Sir Hungalot can't maintain balance...1...2...kickout. That was a close one!
That'll teach Sir Hungalot ta showboat.
But how else do you expect the crowd to like him?
By rasslin' good?
Oh Jamal, so delightfully naïve. Sir Hungalot has applied a standing wristlock on the King. The King not budging at all, he doesn't look fazed one bit. Foot sweep by the King and Sir Hungalot loses balance...the hold is broken. Some martial arts action by the King there.
The King: Hee YAH!
We could have done without those sound effects, yo.
Sir Hungalot scoops up the King for a Samoan drop! He now goes in for a spinning toehold.
I was just thinkin' the other day, if there's ever a body part dat I'd wanna inflict damage on ta make a guy'd be da toe.
Was that sarcastic?
I'll let you figure dat one out, V, you a smart guy...kinda.
Sir Hungalot sets the King up...looks like it could be a powerbomb...a piledriver maybe?
What's Sweet Candy Andy doin' at ringside?
Well, that's not a hard question because we all know Sir Hungalot has a valet! And His Royal Sweetness might just want another Candygirl. Hold on, apparently we need to give a warning now.

This program is rated "TV-14" due to mature theme, drug use, harsh language, and references that only teenagers would get (if that). Viewer and parental discretion is advised, but hey, your parents don't like wrestling and therefore don't know what you're looking at, so enjoy!

Now that that unpleasantness is aside, Sir Hungalot sees the Candyman advancing on Candy Cantaloupes. He's leaving the ring before Andy's silver tongue goes into "persuasion" mode.
Sir Hungalot is applying some hurtin' to the pimp, that's for sure! But will he care that he's about to lose by countout? Apparently not! I'm sure his valet is worth more than a lousy match.
***bell rings.
Here is your winner, as a result of a count-out...THE KING!
The King, triumphant in this encoun....that puff of smoke! My word, it's Presto Cadabra! How'd HE get here?!
Trap door in da mat.
I didn't mean it that way. Presto from behind, clocks the King with his lead magician's wand! And now he's putting the King in the Saw You In Half torture rack! This is disgusting! What horrible, horrible tactics.
Aw, you lovin' it.
Presto Cadabra: If you're going to take me on at Monster Bash, you're going to need to be more prepared than THAT! I'm just one should do a better job watching your back because the Industry is a lot more than one little magician. Here's a razorcard; you can get a feel for it...FIRSTHAND!
(he flicks the razorcard. It snips the King's pompadour slightly and sticks in the mat right above his head.)
See you then. It'll be MAGIC! (imitating the King) Yuh huh.
(he goes back down the trapd...I mean disappears in a puff of smoke)

What an odd opening match! Both men have some issues to deal with, and Monster Bash is already being promoted!
We jumpin' ahead, V. We still gots a champ to crown on Monday.
Quite true! I wonder who will rise to the occasion and grab that belt! But right now, we've got a tag tournament almost ready to wrap up. The first of the semi-final matches tonight! The Total Annihilators vs. Generation X.
Yo, they still here?
I think so. Let's take you to Announcer Lad.
This tag team contest is a semi-final for the Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver tournament, and is set for one fall. Making their way first, representing the Total Annihilation Squad, with a combined weight of 610 lbs., Carnage and the Stalker, THE TOTAL ANNIHILATORS!
("Danger" by KISS plays as they enter, looking ready for a good fight!)
And their opponents, from Brooklyn, New York, with a combined weight of 517 lbs., Jimmy Cain and Playboy Cartel...GENERATION X!
("Déjà Vu" by Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz plays. Not much else happens.)

Where are Generation X?
I dunno. I guess they too chicken to show up.
Unlike Nihongo Douryoku who split up, these guys are still technically a team and cannot be replaced! The Total Annihilators are asking the ref to give them the forfeit victory.
Might as well.
***bell rings.
Here are your winners, as a result of a forfeit, THE TOTAL ANNIHILATORS!
What a stroke of luck for Carnage and the Stalker. They move to the finals without even having to wrestle!
Aw, they would've won anyway.
Perhaps, but I guess we'll never know. It's time for the Shoot-For-Loot now! The Sunflower will be facing PunkMe PayMe. Let's take you to Announcer Lad now.
(The Rogue runs to the ring)
Well, look who's come back!
Wasn't we s'posed ta have bumped his scheduled mic time off this show?
Um, well if by that you mean that we had not scheduled the Rogue to appear, then I suppose so.
Naw! I thought those suits 'cided ta cut him and the gallery from the tapings!
This Shoot-For-Loot contest is scheduled for...
(Rogue struggles the live mic from the ring announcer, and then throws him through the ropes. The announcer lands on a couple of pyrotechnical pots at ringside and is burned beyond recognition)

Booyeah! Just like Michael Jackson!
We just lost the greatest voice in our business since the incomparable Bezerker!
Naw, he still twitchin'.
Hey, why lookee here! A live mic! I guess that means that I have managed to to dodge the wishes of the other fed execs, and the orders of the director of this show, and have acquired the opportunity to speak to all of you on a live mic! Not that you inbred yokels deserve to be in the presence of yours truly, but I need to say some things. On the last FFF I outlined the injustices that have been suffered by myself and the Gallery at the hands of the other STWF execs. Bottom line was that my fellow executives, out of either jealousy towards my charm and influence or contempt towards my superior intellect, took it upon themselves to steal the thunder away from MISTER NUMERO UNO by conspiring to outvote me on the committee, and to provide sub-par resources and bookings as compared to every other wrestler in the fed. Now just as I was about to address the execs themselves, my mic was cut and the show went to an unscheduled commercial. Now I have the opportunity to say what I have to say! To the other committee members, that pasty-skinned crony the Right Hand Man and that publicly evasive and power-hungry slob you know as Der Kommisssaar, I offer you this opportunity: If you have any real guts (and I don't mean the ones hanging over your belt when you put on a pair of pants!!) you'll come out here to the ring and settle this like real men!
Wow! Do you think we could see a handicap match involving the executive committee members of this fed?
I ain't falling fer dat one! I gotsta see dem get to da ring first!
(the Right Hand Man appears from behind the curtain.)
Well look what we have here! Where's your master, pooch? Where's Der Kommissaar? Does he let you out by yourself?
Right Hand Man: Shut up, Rogue! You have no right coming out to the ring and hijacking the show! You know that you weren't even supposed to be in the building!
Where's Der Kommissaar? You get his <-BLEEP-> out here!
RHM: Listen, Rogue. Der Kommissaar told me to tell you that he is very flattered that you offered him this opportunity to wipe the floor with you, which is what he would do if he took you up on it, but it is his opinion that we'd be insulting ourselves to be seen in public with a jerk like you!
(fans cheer)

Listen, b<-BLEEP->ch! Don't you WISH you were me!! Der Kommissaar has an inferiority complex, and that my superb talent is very intimidating to his hunger for power! He's too scared to hit the mat with me, and he's even too scared to tell me that, so that's why he sent his little dog-boy to tell me. You two make me ill.
I wonder if he knows he's getting bleeped...
RHM: Well, Rogue, you will have a lot of time to recover from that illness, because the executive committee has voted that there will be no matches involving the members of your Gallery for the next month! You thought that you were getting a bum deal before? Well then this one should get clear up your ass!
That made it to air! No bleep!
RHM: Enjoy the vacation....CUT HIS MIC!
(Rogue's mic goes out. The Right Hand man disappears into the back. Rogue is incensed)

Can you believe what just happened?
Looks like the Gallery really AREN'T the power, then!
We're going to commercial.

Hi. Do you know me? If you don't, you've been living under a rock for the past two weeks, or you normally hit the can for commercials. I'm Fred Meatnsaucy, owner and proprietor of Meatnsaucy gravy, and THE sponsor for STWF Monday Nae Trous, Friday Friday Friday, and even pay-per-view events! Why do I go to these lengths, you ask? Simply because I like wrestling, and you like powdered gravy! It's a mutual agreement! Why, just look at this gravy! And all those chunks? I've been told that I have to tell you their average diameter is two millimeters, but don't let that stop you! It's good gravy! Honest. Would I lie to you?
That's Meatnsaucy powdered gravy. Mmm, mmm, Meatnsaucy.
Caution: If you are taking thorazine, amoxicillin, or androstenedione, do NOT ingest Meatnsaucy powdered gravy. If you are cooking with artichokes, do NOT use Meatnsaucy gravy as a fatal chemical reaction will occur. Be sure to wash all pans containing Meatnsaucy gravy residue well, but not with Ajax as chlorine gas will result.

We're back, and the Rogue is sitting in the middle of the ring in apparent protest, refusing to comply with the requests of the STWF event staff to leave so that the Shoot-For-Loot match may start. Brings back memories of Seoul.
Dis ain't never happened on Soul Train!
No, I mean in the Olymipics when that boxer did the same thing to protest the judges vote.
What's dat gotta do wit' Soul Train?
(Security men surround the ring. One of them, an East Indian, sprays pepper spray into the Rogue's eyes.)
Look at that, he's still not moving!
(The same security guard reaches into his lunch box, scrambles around for a bit, and eventually pulls out his Mom's home-made triple-curry baked rice. The Rogue, unable to take the smell, flees the ring.)
Some rather unorthodox security procedures, wouldn't you say?
No I wouldn't. I've been in one of those restaurants before.
Apparently we have to apologize for stereotyping East Indians now, because the last thing we need is another Bobby Walker out there. It'll never happen again, we promise. Except with Très Sheik, but he's more Arab, isn't he?
Can we just get on widdis? Announcer Lad is gonna continue this card whetha he's toasted o' not!
This *urk* contest is set for *groan* one fall. Our first competitor...*moan* weighing 250 lbs...PunkMe PayMe.
(Pink Floyd's "Money", the official Shoot-For-Loot song, plays as PunkMe PayMe hits the ring. His trunks advertise Meatnsaucy powdered gravy.)

This Meatnsaucy guy is everywhere! He must be paying tons for all this exposure.
And his opponent, the ICCTINACBBIC champion, *moan* weighing 123 lbs., the Sunflower.
("Money" keeps playing as the Sunflower wears his construction uniform to the ring.)

***bell rings.
Well, the judges are awarding the costume point to the Sunflower, but PunkMe PayMe is getting the hygiene point, so we're starting off evenly!
This ain't no work, so PunkMe PayMe could actually win dis one if'n he tried.
That's funny, Jamal, I never thought you were one for jokes.
I ain't.
Oh. Sunflower going in with a distinct weight disadvantage. But these hits are about even now. PunkMe PayMe with a nasty uppercut! The Sunflower doesn't go down, the ropes saved him. Sunflower takes the rope momentum and gets a takedown! PunkMe PayMe is back up and a left cross dead on.
***bell rings.
Score's tied at 2 as we go to the second round.
These are kinda exciting, in a boring kinda way.
Um...why don't you go find douja? I can tell, you need something to cloud your mind.
You know, that don't sound like half a bad idea!
Good thing we had that warning beforehand. PunkMe PayMe laying some serious hits on the Sunflower. A backhand punch by PunkMe PayMe! Sunflower is dipping and swaying now...and he's DOWN! The ref counts 1...2...3...4...5...6...the Sunflower is up. He gets two more counts, and this match is on again. Sunflower with a double-leg takedown, and he's back in this game!
***bell rings.
PunkMe PayMe takes the advantage in that round, he's up 5-3. Sunflower's going to have to hump to catch up...if you'll pardon the expression. The Sunflower is fighting back like a wild beast! And there's another takedown! Is it going to be enough? IS IT GOING TO BE ENOUGH?! PunkMe PayMe with a rabbit punch. And a combination hit! Sunflower looks like he's going to go down again...PunkMe PayMe unrelenting, the promise of money will drive him to extremes! And there's a right hook! Sunflower is down. I don't care; this is over. Sunflower up at 4, he's getting a standing 6-count now because we're short on time.
***bell rings.
Here's *gasp* your winner, PunkMe PayMe!
(crowd gasps)
I can't believe it. PunkMe PayMe wins a match! Even he's freaked out. He grabs the Sunflower's hardhat and he's sneaking out like the roof was going to collapse or something. He's out of the arena area now, and he tosses the hardhat back down to ringside, its usefulness expired.
Well. I would never have seen that coming, and I can imagine neither could Jamal were he here.
Tol'ya so, V.
Oh, hurray, you're back. Did you find douja?
Naw, but I found de Aboriginals, they almost as good. They ain't rasslin' tanite o' anythin', but it's da moral support fo' da Rogue y'see.
I guess they aren't even going to wrestle for a month now, unless the Rogue can pull off an executive miracle. But enough of that, let's get to some title matches! The tag belts will be defended first.
The following contest is for the STWF Tag team belts and is set for one fall. Making their way first, the challengers, representing the Inner Circle and with a combined weight of 550 lbs., Beast and Beast Light, MILWAUKEE'S BEST!
("Money" by Pink Floyd plays for about three seconds before the sound guy realizes he forgot to change the tape. A six-second pause, then "Welcome to the Jungle" plays. By now it's too late, as Milwaukee's Best had run to the ring. The music stops again.)
And their opponents, the STWF two-time and current tag team champions, with a combined weight of 561 lbs., Sasquatch and Dizzy Desi, THE CIRCUS FREAKS!
("Insane in the Brain" by Cypress Hill plays. That's not their theme song, but nobody seems to care.)

I wonder what's wrong with the sound guy. He was fine up until now.
Those Aboriginals were headed in da direction of da control room last I saw 'em.
***bell rings.
It's Beast Light versus Sasquatch to start things off. Beast Light with a chop - no effect. Beast Light with a dropkick! Still nothing.
Ain't no way a little guy like Beas'Light gonna take down a big guy like da Sasquatch.
Beast Light with a shoulderblock! Sasquatch goes down.
Then again...
Beast Light takes the advantage now as he applies a half Crab. Sasquatch's long arms easily reach the ropes. Sasquatch now with a belly-to-belly! He's going to the middle rope, and what a splash!
Not much else he can do from the top, apart from da Saskatchewan Stomp.
Nonsense. Sasquatch has Beast Light in a reverse headlock. He goes to his own corner and tags in the Dizzy one. A quick double-team effort there, and Sasquatch goes to his corner. Dizzy up as if to do a, he's happy just to pummel Beast Light's face! Oh, and a powerbomb by Beast Light! The cover: 1...2...kickout by Dizzy-D. Beast Light slaps on a deathlock. Double-D, ever the contortionist, reaches his arms up and it's a chinlock! The question now is, who will submit, or who will break the hold? This is the center of the ring, nobody's going anywhere! Light's head is perpendicular to his torso, and Dizzy resembles a pretzel.
That reminds me. I'm hungry, man. Yo vendor! Get me some popcorn, yo!
Col. "Pops" Khorne: Butter, not-quite-butter, or Meatnsaucy gravy?
Butta, man, are you nuts?
Khorne: You'd be surprised how many like the not-quite-butter. Here, that's six-fifty.
So that's how Der Kommissaar makes profit.
I think the question here is, what are you doing selling popcorn, Colonel?
Khorne: It was my job when I got back from Nam, and now that I can't wrestle for a month, I've got to do something to make money. You can thank those evil bastards in the STWF Ivory Tower for this. Now, five for the popcorn, and the rest for me!
(he leaves)
I swear, I gotta slap him one day.
I think Beast Light is losing his center of gravity...there he goes! The ref counts 1...2...and Beast Light bridges out. The tag to Beast is made! The crowd goes wild! Dizzy is begging off! He's looking to make the tag to Sasquatch. But where's Sasquatch? He's not on the apron.
Yo, he's on da otha side of da ring. See?
Yes, there he is. And is that the Tiger there? And Tyrone Mayhem?
The Inner Circle pullin' the same stunt the Asylum did at the pay-per-view, yo!
Well, it would serve the Circus Freaks right. Dizzy can't make the tag. Beast with a DDT! Beast getting ready for a vertical suplex...but he brings Double-D down the short way, straight down! The cover: 1...2...the shoulder's up. Dizzy D has a bit of life in him yet.
Not fo' long. It looks like it's time for the Last Call.
Sasquatch is trying to break free! He's being restrained by three men in the Tiger, Prisoner X and Mayhem! With a mighty sweep of his arms all three men are torn back. There goes the last call...will Sasquatch be too late?
Let's hope not.
The cover: 1...
Sasquatch is on da apron...
He in da ring!
3! And Sasquatch nails Beast after the bell. Let's see if the ref would call that a DQ, thus enabling the Freaks to keep their belts.
Here are your winners...*urk* and NEW...
Guess not...
STWF tag team champions, Milwaukee's Best! *moan*
Announcer Lad in bad shape, yo. I dunno how much longer he can last out here with those burns.
He's clotting nicely, I think, leave it. Well, it seems turnabout is fair play for the Inner Circle. Milwaukee's Best, the champs once again.
But it's time now for the main event! Wrestler Smurf will battle the Tiger! The Tiger and Wrestler Smurf are both in the ring, so Announcer Lad will get that rest after all. The ref is checking the boots...
You eva notice that the refs do dat like in only 2% of the matches? If you feelin' lucky, y'all might as well get you some cleats, and do some quick kickin' befo' the bell. That's all I gotta say, yo. Man, this popcorn is wack. I think Khorne gave me the not-quite-butta!
You can't settle it in the ring for a month, and nobody will care by then.
***bell rings.
Wrestler Smurf extends a hand.
Audience: NO! Don't do it! NOOO!
Wrestler Smurf: SHUT UP!

Wrestler Smurf still has the hand out, his eyes are wide and he's nodding vigourously. The Tiger takes it, and meets up with a big knee to the midsection! The oldest trick in the book.
He probably figgered that things work different in da STWF.
While we do provide some twists, there's nothing wrong with a good cliché.
Well, V, if yo'll excuse me, I ain't feelin' too good from this here popcorn, I gotta go.
Too much information. Just go! Now, who'll provide my counterpoint?
Col. "Pops" Khorne: I'm still around.
You want to announce? Okay, but you'll need to change your voice a bit. I think you know what I mean.
Like this?
Yeah, that'll do. Wrestler Smurf with a stepping side kick! The Tiger is rocked back.
That Smurf's got some real power behind him. But we all know that the Gallery is the REAL power, baby.
If you're just going to praise your Gallery, you can leave now.
Give me another chance! I really need to get some paychecks. Why else would I, shall we say, "distract" Jamal?
Well, if you can remove Jamal for me, you can't be all bad. The Tiger with a spinning heel kick! He misses by a mile. Wrestler Smurf gets right in behind for a full nelson! The Tiger bends Smurf's baby finger back! And he's out easily.
That's a good strategy. I was just thinking the other day, if there's a body part that I really want to damage, it would be a baby finger.
Were you even paying attention today? That joke's been done.
Mea culpa; I don't have a script so I went back and adjusted. Wow! What a cool move that was! Wish I knew what it was called.
Try "hiptoss". Smurf covers: Tiger with a figure-six leglock as only the Tiger can! But Wrestler Smurf sits up and claps the Tiger's ears.
That's leave a mark. The Tiger's ears should be ringing by now.
Smurf covers again: 1...2...another kickout. Smurf pulls the Tiger up. The Tiger tries to suplex Wrestler Smurf, but the blue man blocks it. Wrestler Smurf tries, this time the Tiger blocks. Tiger successful now! The Tiger with an elbowdrop on the Smurf. The Tiger going up looks like a repeat of the pay-per-view... shooting star press! The crowd is on its feet! 1.....2......NO!
Audience: Groan...
Oh come on, that was a slow count.
What's YOUR motivation in this match that you're complaining?
Not telling you.
Fine. The Tiger is pumping his arms like he's doing the chicken could only mean one thing...
He's going to steal D-Day's Chicken Chunk Dive?
Okay, two things. No, it means it's time for the Tiger rack! Up goes the Smurf...
Bohemoth and BILL running to ringside! Bohemoth clips the Tiger off!
The bell is being rung now, the Tiger's keeping that belt by DQ. Bohemoth has his white cane, he's smacking the Tiger about with it! BILL is stomping like he's a useless B-team crony!
He's not?
Here comes ThatGuy to join in! But the Tiger is of limited size. He just stands around, guarding and working the crowd. Wrestler Smurf is up now...he's going to slap on the "Lalalalalala"! Oh, the humanity. But hold! The Inner Circle approaches, and we have a pier-sixer on our hands!
Did you know when I asked the Right Hand Man about the Casting of Bones matches, for Très Sheik? He showed me the list of matches available! I can't give them all away, but one of them is a pier-six brawl, actually done on Pier Six! Now, isn't that cool?
Sounds kind of stupid if you ask me.
Well, yeah, when you put it that way.
That's all the time we have this week. On Monday is the Battle Royal for the STWF championship!
Wish I was in it.
Well, tough. For Jamal Tupac Mustafa and Colonel "Pops" Khorne, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden saying tune in next week on Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never enough!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre