Friday Friday Friday #21

(The Friday Friday Friday introduction is shown. The camera pans the arena before settling on the announcing team of McMadden and Twilight.)
Welcome to FFF #21, everybody! We've got another large and marginally interested crowd on our hands tonight! I'm Vince "Angus" McMadden, and along side me once again this week is Captain Twilight.
Hello again, fans, I'm Vince McMadden...
No, you're not!
We've got a great show lined up for you tonight, fans. We have a non-title match between Milwaukee's Best and the Circus Freaks in a PPV preview match, douja battles the Doomsday Chicken. Shoot-For-Loot sees another PPV preview as Sally Sleepy-Time takes on Iceberg. But first up, the Bad A$$es take on Nik at Nyte.
All hail Mr.Fred.
OK, and we're set to go here in our Mighty Bastard Psycho Driver Tag Title Tournament. "Chris" to start things off against Darren #3. They lock up. Darren #3 with a whip to the ropes . . . double-leg takedown! Darren is all over Chris!
Darren #3 has seized the early momentum, Cap.
YOU are Captain Twilight, not me.
Sorry, Cap.
Chris able to escape Darren's fists by getting to the ropes. Chris tags in "Mark," the aptly-named other Bad@$$. Mark now with a kick to Darren's midsection. Now a chop to the trapezius! Blows to the solarplexus!
Isn't that what got "President" Clinton into trouble?
There's no place for high brow political humor on Friday Friday Friday! Our demographics indicate that our average viewer is a male between the age of 20-45 who did not graduate from high school, and has lost the remote control, thus rendering him unable to change the channel.
Zzzzzzz . . .
Anyway, Mark has seized control of this match for the Bad@$$es . . . looks like we could see some double team work here by Mark and Chris. Mark holds Darren near the corner as Chris climbs the post. Looks like an aerial maneuver coming up.
What's Mr.Fred doing?
Uh-oh! Mr.Fred butts the post, causing Chris to fall to the concrete on the outside! Uh-oh, Mr.Fred sitting on the face of Bad@$$ Chris!
This match is effectively a handicap match now, Captain Twilight.
(sigh) Anyway, the ref goes outside to try and get Mr.Fred off of Chris. Darren tags in Ricardo now . . . who clocks Mark with a bongo drum!!! He gives the drum to Darren, who hides it under the ring. Ricardo gets the referee's attrention and . . . 1 . . . 2 . . . 3! That's it, Nik at Nyte moves on, albeit through dirty play.
Speaking of dirty, we had better get somebody out here before Chris suffocates under the posterior of the crafty Mr. Fred!
Well, while that's happening, lets move on to our next match. It'll be a Shoot-for-Loot bout between Sally Sleepy- Time and Iceberg.
This should be a close one! I'm predicting a draw!
We can't have a draw, but whatever you say, Captain Twilight.
***bell rings.
Here we go. Iceberg looks determined. He lands the first punch! Sally answers right back, though, with body blows.
Hey, isn't that what got Pres . . .
We heard that one already, and that's the end of round one. Iceberg landed the most punches, but Sally's freshly-changed diaper allows him to stay even at 1-1.
I have a freshly-changed diaper . . . do I get a point?
Good lord!
OK, you got me, it hasn't been changed in a couple of days.
Uhhh . . . round 2 now. Sally comes out like a man possessed! Vicious punches landing on Iceberg! Iceberg is busted! Iceberg staggering around, unable to defend himself. And that's it for round two, but no need to wait for the judges to tell us who landed the most punches in that round.
Iceberg's down 2-1 now, and is lucky he wasn't KO'd in that round!
You're right about that! Of course, if Iceberg can knock Sally down, it'll probably be over, so look for Iceberg to go for the KO in this round.
***bell rings.
Here we go. Iceberg is still a little groggy. He's swinging wildly, trying to go for a knock-down.
He's leaving himself open for counter-punches by Sally!
Yes, and, although those punches aren't going to knock Iceberg out, they WILL win Sally another point. Time running out, and a TAKEDOWN BY ICEBERG!
Wow, Sally was luck he landed on his ample stomach, or that might've been it!
And that's it! We have a draw! You were right, Cap! Looks like we'll head into over . . . wait . . . I've just been handed a paper with the heading "From the Desk of Der Kommissaar." It says that the match at the PPV will determine who will advance in this tournament. Well, I have to say that that doesn't make much sense, seeing as how this is a shoot tournament and the PPV is worked. What do you think, Captain Twilight?
How dare you question the decision of the allmighty Kommissaar! (Gets on his knees and bows to the ground. Creaks and cracks are heard as he attempts to get into this position.) ALL MUST KNEEL BEFORE THE POWER OF DER KOMISSAAR!!!
Get up. The Rogue is coming to ringside. In fact, he's running!
Running?!? I can relate to that. Has he borrowed money from the mob?
No, I don't believe so.
Well, we haven't seen this young man for a long time!
I know! And he looks more than a little perturbed! I wonder what he's up to?
Be quiet and let him speak.
Well this is a rare occurrence, so let's listen in!
(fans boo loudly.) Listen you pot-bellied, unhygienic, intoxicated ignoramuses!
Is he talking to the Aboriginals?
No, he's talking to the fans.
Could have fooled me!
When Mister Numero Uno talks, it's a big deal; and this my inferiors, is a VERY big deal! I'm going to try to be quick, because this interview time was not scheduled and I'm not supposed to be out here right now. Just try to keep up. Now normally I'd come out here saying something like "When you're Number One, there's so much to get done", but right now, for me, there isn't. Last FFF, I saw some poor slob, like you people in the audience, holding up a sign saying "Where's the Rogue?". Yes, where was the Rogue? Why have you miserable urchins been robbed of my exalted presence these last few weeks and months? Well that's what I'm here to tell you.

Now of course all you morons know that I, the Rogue, hold a prestigious spot on the STWF executive committee. But, unfortunately, and unexplainably, I have no greater say on the board than any other exec!! In the last few months, for reasons unbeknownst to myself, I have fallen out of favour with the other members of the committee (My hunch is that they didn't take too kindly of me switching their Viagra pills with Pez!)
(Fans boo vigorously)

Guess we have a lot of fans who don't particularly care for Pez.
Ha! I'm guessing that we have a lot of fans who can't get past half mast!
Are you saying we have a lot of flag aficionados here?
Anyway, my point is that for one reason or another, the other execs took it upon themselves to conspire against me. They stifled and suffocated my Gallery!! They did everything in their power to deter us from greatness in the STWF! Whenever I tried to set up a big title match, they'd alter the rankings as an excuse to rob us of our shot. Then they'd provide incentive for those who we did manage to secure a match with, offering them new cars and big pushes to beat us, and throwing in clauses preventing us from stopping them! Hey, how'd you think Sunflower got over so quick?

You think we don't get secondary treatment? How about another example:
Other wrestlers each get suites at 4-star hotels, equipped with King size beds, shoe buffers, and air conditioning. They gave the gallery one single motel room for the seven of us on the road; all with one bed and poor ventilation! YOU try sleeping on the floor on a hot summer night next to the Sheik without proper ventilation and see how ready YOU are to step in the ring the next day!!

Not enough for you? I have more:
Other wrestlers get lean chicken breast pre-match to provide protein for their muscles. The Gallery gets a half empty box of soda crackers and a can of sliced beets.
Other wrestlers get free unlimited memberships at exclusive and well equipped gyms, and qualified personal trainers to help them compete at their peak physical condition. The gallery gets a used thighmaster, and a "Sweating to the Oldies" tape with bad tracking.
Other wrestlers get makeup and wardrobe people to take care of their cosmetics. We've got Rhythm back there powdering our noses, and Blues is mending the letters back on to Khorne's trunks!
Now this is what I have to say to the my retarded fellow committee members.
(mic goes out. Rogue looks disgusted. Fans cheer)

Get somebody out here to fix the mic!
Sorry Cap, but I just got word from the men in the truck that we have to run a commercial.
We have a truck? Even still, we have 5 minutes until the next scheduled break, and he isn't done talking!!
I know, but if that's what the boss wants then we have to go to commercial! I'm sorry, but it's not up to me!

Hi. Remember me? I'm Fred Meatnsaucy, that creepy owner of Meatnsaucy powdered gravy. It's the gravy with the chunks! It's full of country-style goodness, and contains very little lead! Why not pick up a packet on the long ride home. You'll be glad you did, because not only is it great sauce, it also makes a superior tire patch! Mmm, mmm, Meatnsaucy.
Please consult a physician before using Meatnsaucy powdered gravy. Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of Meatnsaucy powdered gravy.

NEW! From STWF home video! It's Asylum Anarchy '98! Relive all of the action from this yet-to be aired PPV. How can we get a tape of a PPV that hasn't happened yet, you ask? Are you kidding? I guess you pukes believe in the Tooth Fairy, too! ORDER TODAY OR FEEL THE WRATH OF DER KOMMISSAAR!!!

And, we're back. Next up, we have a non-title match between Milwaukee's Best and the Circus Freaks. We haven't heard much from MB over the past few weeks, despite the fact that they are the tag champs, and we haven't heard ANYTHING from the Circus Freaks. I guess that's probably the reason for this PPV preview. To remind the fans who these guys are.
The Circus who?
And we're set to go. Beast Light and Dizzy Desi to start things off. Dizzy Desi going to work right away. Belly to belly suplex by Desi. Picks up BL by the head, side- suplex by Desi! Picks him up again . . . vertical suplex by Desi! Another pickup. Double-underhook suplex by Dizzy Desi.
Wow. If there were, like, some sort of equipment, like a machine, and that equipment were used to create wrestling moves, namely suplexes, then Dizzy Desi could be that equipment.
Yep, maybe he's been in Japan the past few weeks. Anyway. Desi still in control. Desi going for that Corkscrew Moonsault of his it appears. He's climbing the turnbuckle, but Beast Light is able to get up! He tags in Beast! Desi goes for the moonsault, but Beast catches him! Gorilla press slam. Beast pummelling Dizzy Desi now! Desi's various secretions are flying all over the ring!
Hey, isn't that what got President . . .
SHUT UP! Beast continues the assault. Powerbomb! Beast is taking too much time to gloat, however, and Desi has had time to reach Sasquatch.
Business is about to pick up! Here comes Bohemoth.
Thanks, JR. As Sasquatch and Beast stare each other down, Bohemoth has entered the ring with a steel chair.
He clobbers Beast! Here comes Beast Light in . . . and HERE COMES THE REST OF THE INNER CIRCLE!!!

And here comes the Alliance right behind them. This is going to be the kind of brawl that will . . . uh . . . build interest in the PPV.

Uhhh...yeah. Anyway, a melee has ensued in the middle of the ring! Bodies are flying eveywhere. Sally clobbers Prisoner X. Tiger nails Bohemoth with the Tiger Driver.
Americans would know that move better as a double-underhook powerbomb.
Yeah. Anyway, security has started to get this situation under control, and it looks like we'll be able to move on. Not so fast there. I still need to do an interview segment.
(enters the ring) Greetings to all. This is the Twilight Zone, with me, Captain Twilight. I was asked to bring my interview segment back - again - but don't worry, it never lasts. My guest this week is the newest member of the Total Annihilation Squad. Please welcome the Violent Pacifist!
(his theme plays as he enters the ring to a decent pop)
Thanks for being here, but let's get right to it. We've all heard your remarks now about looking for protection and joining a stable. The Total Annihilation Squad seems a little contrary to your beliefs, so the big question is, why them?

Violent Pacifist:My biggest concern when choosing which stable to join, wasn't so much the beliefs, but who can help me, and who would most appreciate my help. As you know, I choose not to be a violent person, unless violence is brought upon me. I feel that the Total Annihilation Squad can help my rise through the STWF rankings. It will be just a matter of time before the entire STWF becomes "Totally Annihilated."
How do you feel you fit into this group? Are you looking for a leadership role, or do you plan to follow Strep's guidance?
My role in TAS is very simple, I am here to assist my fellow members to get to the heirarchy of the STWF, and to bring the blood pressure level down through group meditation exercises. Through Strep's guidence and hard work from everyone involved, we can conquer the STWF and "peacefully" annihilate the competition.
Now that you're in a stable, who do you have your sights set on next?
I hope to receive a title opportunity soon, on my way to a "peaceful" conquest of the STWF. I have seen that many of the top contenders are in stables with many members. I chose the stable with perhaps the biggest and baddest members. I want to make the other members of TAS proud, and I want to prove myself a vital member to the stable.
You've made it known that you want to shoot for the North American strap. Carnage currently holds the #2 contender spot. Is there any tension on that front; do you see him as an obstacle?
I am very supportive of my brother in the TAS, I have no hard feelings toward him and I hope he feels the same. If our paths cross in the future, we will do what we must, but we are and always will be united.
As this interview closes, is there anything else you'd like to say?
Wrestler Smurf, it's very simple. You will go down to defeat, and you will lose your title, whether it be to me or Carnage, you will be "Totally Annihilated."
Thank you. (both leave the ring)
I thought that went rather well.

That being done, on to our main event . . . douja vs. The Doomsday Chicken? THAT'S our main event?
We've got a PPV coming up! You can't expect Der Kommissaar to put on great matches right now. ALL HAIL DER KOMMISSAAR!
Shut up. Well, here we go. douja looks a little worse for wear. What's the inside scoop, Cap?
A law was passed recently that mandates that every wrestling promotion must have at least one wrestler who incorporates a substance abuse problem into his gimmick.
What about the Aboriginals? Wait...we're actually considered a legitimate promotion? Neat. Anyway, douja in conrol with a top wristlock. Takes down the Doomsday Chicken with a snap suplex! The Chicken answers with a whip to the ropes . . . lariat!
Nice recovery by The Doomsday Chicken.
douja, who wasn't that steady to begin with, looks like he was really shaken up by that lariat. Doomsday Chicken is taking this opportunity to gloat.
(Doomsday Chicken struts around like, uh, a chicken) Doomsday Chicken: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE, DOUJA! CLUCK, CLUCK!
(crowd pops for DC's zany antics)
Doomsday Chicken with a neckbreaker. I think douja might be out cold here.
He needs da reefa!
Anyway, all DC has to do is go for a cover here. Wait a sec, who's that? A guy in a suit and a couple of cops are coming down the aisle. They are entering the ring, much to the consternation of the Doomsday Chicken. The suit is reading something to DC, while the cops are cuffing him.
They're hauling his chicken butt out of here! Wait, I recognize that guy! It's Michael Buffer's lawyer!
And the ref continues the count. Well, douja may not realize it for a few days, but he has won by count-out. And that's all the time we have this week, thankfully. And that brings an end to a lackluster FFF. On behalf of Captain Twilight, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying order Asylum Anarchy '98, and tune in next week for Friday Friday Friday, because one Friday is never enough.
Guess what?
Chicken butt.
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre