Yes, folks, it's
(The Friday Friday Friday introduction plays. The STWF girls, the Inner
Circle's birthday gift to Der Kommissaar, dance aimlessly around the ring.
They aren't very good, especially for "professionals," but let's face it,
they weren't really hired to dance...)
Welcome everyone to Friday Friday Friday! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and
along side me is my colleague, Captain Twilight.
It's good to be here, Vince.
He doesn't usually get to work the Friday show, but some of his
medication got mixed up, and he actually thinks it's Monday! We've got a
great show lined up for you tonight, and we...
(The opening chimes of AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" echo throughout the arena.
A huge pop precedes Prisoner X as he makes his way to the ring, sans
Circle. An armed guard follows a few steps behind.)
And here we go! Prisoner X is set to square off against Bohemoth in our
feature bout, but it looks like he won't wait that long to show
This ought to be interesting!
Prisoner X: Cut the music . . . you know, when we formed the Inner Circle
a few months back, the point was to prevent the kind of screwjobs,
back-stabbing, and favoritism that was going on around here . . . well,
I'm here tonight to, first of all, offer an apology to all of you
An apology? What's all this about?
Prisoner X: That's right. I apologize because we have failed miserably.
There are as many screwjobs, and as much back-stabbing and favoritism as
(pauses to allow the crowd to boo. They don't, much.)
I hate when these guys whine! I would give anything to be
able to get back in the ring, and this guy's complaining. I mean, he
makes more money in one week than I did in any year of my career, he
lives in a 2 million dollar house...
Heh, heh . . . don't you mean, he lives in PRISON?
Oh, uh, right. Dag-nab it.
Prisoner X: You know, the one thing I thought the Circle had done well
was perform in the ring. We've held numerous titles, and all of us are
ranked. What other stable can match our level of success? That's why I
was SHOCKED when Der Kommissaar, in his infinite wisdom, didn't award the
PPV to us. You know this is just another example of...
(Suddenly, a loud snapping noise is heard throughout the arena, Prisoner
X looks up just in time to see StreetMime tumbling from the
OH MY LORD! StreetMime's harness has snapped! He and Prisoner X are
lying in a heap in the center of the ring.
(StreetMime, whose fall was broken by Prisoner X, stands up, brushes the
"dirt" off of himself, and proceeds to walk into the "wind" and out of
the ring, accompanied by a huge pop from the crowd)
StreetMime has knocked Prisoner X out cold! One can only speculate how
this will effect our main event!
This is the kind of crazy unpredictability that makes
the STWF great! Who could've seen that coming?
Stay with us, we'll be right back.
New! From STWF merchandise! It's the official "StreetMime: Silent but
Violent" T-Shirt! The slogan's on the front, a picture of the Mime
falling on Prisoner X is on the back! Order yours today!
We're back, as we kick things off with a tag matchup. Now, let's go the
the ring, as anouncer lad fills us in...
This is our first match of the evening! (The rap
remix of "Love is all around" starts up) Accompanied by Rimshot and Mr.
Fred, representing the Entertainment Industry. . . weighing in at a total
combined weight of 520 pounds.... and hailing from T.V. Land . . . here
are Darren #3, and Rodney Ricardo, NIK AT NYTE!
(crowd produces a minimal pop)
("Déjà Vu" blares over the sound system) And now, weighing
in at a combined weight of 517 pounds . . . from Brooklyn, New York . . .
here are Jimmy Cain and Playboy Cartel, GENERATION X!
(crowd pops fairly well)
So, here we go in our first match. Darren #3 and Jimmy Cain
set to start things off. They hook it up. Cain with a top wristlock.
Darren #3 screaming for mercy.
Bet he wishes Samantha was here to cast a spell and
get him out of that hold, eh, Angus?
Heh heh heh.
Ha ha ha.
Santa: Ho ho ho.
(Security escorts Santa away silently)
Darren now, trying to escape . . . reverses it into a hammerlock.
A pretty scientific match by STWF
Yes, indeed. Darren with a whip to the ropes . . . dropkick! Picks up
Cain by the head. Neckbreaker!
An impressive sequence by Darren #3!
Darren tags out now to Ricardo. Ricardo in. Whips a groggy Cain to the
ropes, drop toe hold . . . into an armbar submission!
Wow! I don't think I've seen Nik at Nyte ever work
like this before!
An inspired performance, to be sure. Cain working his way toward the
rope . . . he's got it! Ricardo forced to release the hold. Cain looks
furious, but dazed.
Let's see if he can match the resiliency of his
brother, The Undertaker.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that . . . hiptoss by Cain.
Cain picks him up . . . scoop slam! Cain with the advantage now, tags
out to Cartel. Cartel . . . SLINGSHOTS RICARDO OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!
Wow. Both teams are full of surprises
Cartel follows him outside. Picks up Ricardo . . . HE'S GOING FOR A
PILEDRIVER ON THE FLOOR! Here comes Darren to make the save! He clocks
Cartel from behind. The referee admonishes Darren #3. What's this?
Here comes Mr.Fred! He looks like he's going to sit on Cartel's face!
Uh, Angus, I don't think he's "sitting."
Oh, my lord! You're right! Mr.Fred has just laid a giant road apple on
the face of Playboy Cartel!
There's no recovery from this, I'm afraid!
I know, our ratings are going to...oh, wait, you meant...never
mind. Ricardo rolls back into the ring. Cain goes over to help Cartel as
the referee finishes the count-out. What a gruesome and bizarre finish to
what was shaping up to be a great match.
Your winners, by count-out . . . Nik at
Mr.Fred is a menace! They ought to send that nag to
the glue factory!
Rimshot: They ought to send YOU to the glue factory, old man!
Watch it, Ironside, the Captain still has a few
tricks up his sleeve.
Next up, we'll have a match between the Violent Pacifist and the
Yeah, Executioner certainly has been, dare I say, a
little softer since taking his anger management classes.
First, from Seattle, Washington, and weighing in at
THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! ("Closer" by NIN plays, out comes VP to an OK
Next, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 335 pounds,
THE EXECUTIONER! ("Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin plays, out walks the
Executioner to a pop from older fans who remember the Executioner in his
OK, we're set to go. Executioner goes to work right away with blows
to the midsection.
Executioner: Oh, sorry did that hurt?
The Pacifist is staggered. Waistlock by Executioner. Release
Hey! That's a pretty bold move to open with,
Please, call me Vince.
Only if you call me Linda.
Uhhhhhh...nothing. Hey, pay attention to the
Oh, yeah. Executioner in complete control. Another release suplex!
Yeah, that's 330 pounds he's throwing around
Executioner: Terribly sorry, old bean.
Looks like The Pacifist has about had it. Executioner going for one
more...standing switch by The Pacifist! He's got him in a sleeper...
Violent Pacifist: Pleeeease, just go to sleep, I don't want to have to
And the match grinds to a screeching halt.
Executioner seems to be weakening. He's going limp.
Insert your own Viagra joke here, fans.
There's a ref?
You didn't mention that before!
Anyhow, the ref lifts the arm of Executioner...it falls.
Oooh! Oooh! I bet he raises it on the third
The ref tries again...no response. If Executioner is unable to lift
his arm this time, the match will come to an abrupt and shocking end! The
ref raises the arm...it fa..wait! The arm is raised. Executioner is still in
Can you imagine how shocked a guy would be if you
tried a reversal on the SECOND try? Now THAT would get you into the hall
Executioner now trying to escape the sleeper. An elbow to the ribs
of The Pacifist! He releases the sleeper!
Why didn't Executioner try that 30 seconds
Will somebody cut his mic off? Executioner catches The Pacifist off the
ropes! Backbreaker! Looks like Executioner has regained control. Back to
the action; Executioner going for a piledriver . . . The Pacifist
reverses with a small package! One...Two...Thr...NO! Shoulder up.
Nice reversal by The Pacifist. He sure is a rugged
bada...whoops, better not, it would just get bleeped anyway.
Leg drop by The Pacifist. The Pacifist off the ropes...another leg drop!
Looks like Executioner may finally be done.
Violent Pacifist: I really didn't want to do that, sir.
Hey! Not so fast! It's like I always say...It's not
over until the ref counts to three while one of the wrestlers has both
shoulders touching the mat and is covered by the other wrestler, or there
is a submission signaled by the tapping of one of the wrestlers, or the
referee deems that the fight cannot continue for any of several
That's a catchy saying.
The T-shirts will be out by September. They're eight
Meanwhile, The Pacifist continues the barrage of legdrops. Wait...it
looks like he's taking the Executioner up top for the Nine Inch
How do you know? Maybe he's going up there so he can
get a better look at your bald spot! Or maybe a moonsault! You know, too
moonsault can be bad for you if you have high blood pressure.
PLEASE SHUT UP! The Pacifist is taking WAY too much time working the
crowd on top of the post.
The Violent Pacifist: WAR! (ugh) Good God, y'all . . . WHAT IS IT GOOD
FOR? Absolutely nuthin'! Say it again...
Uh-oh! Executioner has The Pacifist in a choke hold!
Here comes the Death Penalty! He's going for it from the turnbuckle onto
the floor? WOW!
Depends, don't fail me now!!!
NO! WAIT! THE VIOLENT PACIFIST WITH AN EYE GOUGE! HE NOW TAKES THE
EXECUTIONER TO A PILEDRIVER ALL THE WAY TO THE RING FLOOR! IT'S A NINE
INCH NAILER LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE!
Yeah. We know. I think we can read about his
finisher in the bios. Mark.
The Violent Pacifist: That hurt me a lot more than it hurt
Who's Mark? Anyway, the Pacifist drags him back in . . . you can count to
a million...One...Two...Three! Pacifist wins!
Here is your winner, THE VIOLENT
Oh no! The Executioner just got a crobar from outside the ring; he's
pummelling the Pacifist with it!
Whoopee! Can you see that look in the Executioner's
Executioner: Oh . . . they cured me all right . . .
What's this all about? We'll have to wait and see in the weeks
to come. Has the old Executioner come back?
I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it's
Indeed. Well, this week on FFF, we'll be introducing you to a
new kind of match in STWF. In their usual imaginative way, the bookers
have decreed that we conduct a tournament involving real fighting skills,
as opposed to wrestling. The winner will receive a big (non-BF) sack of
money, as well as an undue push based on skills that have nothing to do
with pro wrestling. There will be three one-minute rounds...
(Crowd begins collectively clearing their throats to prepare for chanting
"boring" during three one-minute rounds)
Points will be awarded for most punches landed, takedowns,
congeniality, costume, and personal hygene. We're calling this
tournament . . . "THE SHOOT FOR LOOT."
(Camera pans to the ring where the two combatants are checking their
gloves and mouthpieces)
Sounds like a winner! Our first matchup pairs
streetfighter Tyrone Mayhem against former STWF Champion, and a
behind-the-scenes close, personal, friend of mine, Ironman!
IRONMAN? Didn't he get fired?
Well, I had a little talk with the booking committe, and we agreed that
we couldn't let a star of Ironman's caliber go. Believe me, the
committee and I have BIG plans for Ironman in his comeback, and we think
this little "tournament" will be the first phase of his big push.
Settle down, Cap. OK, so we're set to go . . . Ironman comes out
swinging . . . nothing landing . . .Mayhem now . . . BIG COMBINATION!
Ironman is down!!! And . . . THAT'S IT!!! Ironman is out! Mayhem is
ecstatic!!! He's standing over the bloodied carcass that was once called
Ironman and is motioning toward his crotch. I can't quite make out what
he's saying, but I think it has something to do with his "package." What
a beating!!! Shades of Diesel - Backlund at MSG!!!
Well, thank you sooooo much, Mr. Jim Ross!
Just because your friend lost, don't take it out on me.
Not that I'm making excuses for him, but Ironman
wasn't feeling well today, anyway.
Seriously, he pulled a hamstring in
Really! He was basically a one-legged man out there
And he wasn't out there long!
Look, he basically had no motor skills at all. I'm
he was even able to sync the motion of his arms and legs while
Give it a rest, Cap.
Hey! All I'm saying is that Ironman had been
clinically dead for six hours by the time he set foot in the ring
I have a feeling that after this performance, Ironman may be gone for
good from STWF . . . but WE'LL be RIGHT BACK!
New! From STWF home video! It's the most outrageous and crazy moments
in STWF history, all on one video! It's STWF: Too Crazy Even For Canadian TV! See all of the famous mishaps that we'll never show on TV again.
Including all of you favorites, like:
- "Mira Maniac has a rash"
- "Prisoner X has a gun"
- "Bohemoth accidentally kills an old woman in the front row"
- "Gary accidentally eats a woman in the front row"
]]]Hey! I'll have no more references to cunnilingus
in THIS federation! You're treading on thin ice, mister. End
- "The Best of SunFlower"
and much, MUCH more! Order today!
(Fade-in from footage of the StreetMime-Prisoner X incident)
Well, that footage was for the benefit of those of you with
attention spans of less than 5 minutes. Plus, we needed to fill up some
time becuase of the surprisingly short "Shoot for Loot" match.
Right . . . but just before we get to our main event, we've got a
wonderful filler match for you! Our newest competitor, douja, will take on
Aboriginal 2, in a "battle of the junkies."
That's right; Aboriginal 1 is in detox, and we've
got to use these guys for something. The Aboriginal is in the ring now,
looking nicely toasted.
And his opponent, from Parts Forgotten, weighing in
at 245 lbs., douja!
("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja
enters, looking even more toasted than the Aboriginal, if that's at all
possible. He has a blunt sticking out of his mouth, and another one behind
his ear. He doesn't pause to extinguish his smoke before entering, but
rather enters with it. The ref shrugs and calls for the bell. The crowd
isn't sure what to make of this wrestler.)
It takes the two competitors a good thirty seconds to find each other to
lock up. douja applies a headlock, and a...noogie? Hello!
Let's just hope we don't see another ab-rake like
the Aboriginals do.
A2 manages to escape the deadly noogie and executes an ...ab-rake. Looks
like you spoke too soon, Cap. These guys have a style all their own. I
wouldn't know what to call it...
"Ineffective" springs to mind.
douja now, stepping side kick landing nicely in the opponent's thigh.
Thigh? Oh Lord. Clothesline, one of the few moves that can be screwed up,
is successfully done by douja. A stomp on A2 leaves him on the floor,
drooling. The crowd is screaming for the pin!
They want this stupidity over and done with! Whoops,
not in the mic, not in the mic, must remember that.
Perhaps douja would work better with someone who has all his faculties,
but this will have to do. He pauses to light up the smoke in his ear. Hey!
THAT'S the smell of the smoke whenever Death is around. So THAT'S what it
is. What do you know. He blows the smoke in A2's face. Couldn't hurt. He
picks up A2, burns his face with the blunt! Ouch.
Looks like we're nearing the end of this
douja turns him over, here comes the piledriver!
I've just been informed he named the finisher the
"Chronic Neck Pain". Good name, for a junkie.
The cover: 1...2...3! douja successful in his debut.
Here is your winner...douja!
Both men exit the ring. douja is screaming for the purse right away. He's
in for a shock when he finds out he won't get a paycheck for two
They could just pay him in joints...
That's enough of that. It's time for our main event here on Friday Friday
(AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" starts. Prisoner X comes out to a big pop, which
grows after the crowd sees that he is with the rest of the Inner Circle.
The Prisoner appears to be quite groggy.)
From NY, NY, weighing 290 pounds, and accompanied by the Inner Circle,
(Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" starts up, and out comes
Bohemoth, with the Asylum Alliance. He draws a good deal of heel
Announcer Lad: From Charleston, WV, weighing 400 pounds, and accompanied
by the Asylum Alliance, BOHEMOTH!!!
Prisoner X appears to be in no shape to participate in this bout, but it
looks like he'll give it a go, anyway. Bohemoth on the attack with a
vicious right to the head. He gets Prisoner X in a side headlock. Into
a vertical suplex! What power by Bohemoth!
He's one of the strongest in the game.
Front chancery applied by Bohemoth. Prisoner X struggles to get to the
ropes. The ref orders a break. Bohemoth complies. Prisoner X now with
a kick to the midsection. The crowd is really getting behind him, but
will it matter?
The damage done by Streetmime may be too much, I'm
But look at this, now! Prisoner X fighting like a man possessed! This
is brutal! A vicious flurry by the Prisoner . . . DDT!!!
He's quick for a big man.
Prisoner X now, setting up for a powerbomb . . . YES! Bohemoth may be
out cold! Prisoner X . . . he's going for another powerbomb . . . HE
DOES IT AGAIN! Ah-Choo!
Two powerbombs on a 400-pounder is nothing to
I apologize. The Prisoner in total control, and, surprisingly, the
Asylum Alliance is not interfering. Maybe they think better of
interfering when the Inner Circle is close by.
Either that, or they believe Bohemoth can come back from this.
Maybe. Prisoner X appears to be softening him up for the Lockdown.
Prisoner X now, picks Bohemoth up by the head . . . inverted atomic drop!
He . . . he's GOING UP TOP! Double knee drop to the sternum!
Bohemoth can't take much more of this.
Prisoner X now . . . he's . . . yes, it's THE LOCKDOWN! The Alliance
tries to interfere, but they are stopped by the Inner Circle. Although,
B.F. Sack's heart doesn't seem to be in it. Anyway, while this melee has
ensued at ringside, Bohemoth has somehow reached the rope and the ref
orders a break.
The almost simian reach of the big man coming in
handy right there.
What do you mean "almost"? The huge brawl continues unchecked at
ringside. Sack appears to have stopped fighting in favor of signing
autographs for kids. Inside the ring, Prisoner X looks like he's going
to try to finish Bohemoth off with another powerbomb. But no! His back
That's definitely "fall-out" from the StreetMime
incident earlier this evening.
No doubt! An exhausted and obviously injured Prisoner X trying one more
time for a powerbomb . . . wait . . . he may have it . . . he's almost
got him uuuuupp . . . REVERSAL BY BOHEMOTH INTO A VICTORY ROLL!!!
AMAZING!!! ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE!!!
Incredible agility for a man of his size . . . I mean
DAMN!!! What a move!
That leaves Bohemoth available to participate in the brawl between the
Alliance and the Circle. Meanwhile, Sack appears to be attending to the
fallen Prisoner in the middle of the ring.
Wait . . . is Sack smiling?
We're out of time!!!
(Fade to black)
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo
Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre