Yes, folks, it's Friday(?)


(The Friday Friday Friday introduction plays. The STWF girls, the Inner Circle's birthday gift to Der Kommissaar, dance aimlessly around the ring. They aren't very good, especially for "professionals," but let's face it, they weren't really hired to dance...)
Welcome everyone to Friday Friday Friday! I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden, and along side me is my colleague, Captain Twilight.
It's good to be here, Vince.
He doesn't usually get to work the Friday show, but some of his medication got mixed up, and he actually thinks it's Monday! We've got a great show lined up for you tonight, and we...
(The opening chimes of AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" echo throughout the arena. A huge pop precedes Prisoner X as he makes his way to the ring, sans Circle. An armed guard follows a few steps behind.)
And here we go! Prisoner X is set to square off against Bohemoth in our feature bout, but it looks like he won't wait that long to show himself.
This ought to be interesting!
Prisoner X: Cut the music . . . you know, when we formed the Inner Circle a few months back, the point was to prevent the kind of screwjobs, back-stabbing, and favoritism that was going on around here . . . well, I'm here tonight to, first of all, offer an apology to all of you fans.
An apology? What's all this about?
Prisoner X: That's right. I apologize because we have failed miserably. There are as many screwjobs, and as much back-stabbing and favoritism as ever.
(pauses to allow the crowd to boo. They don't, much.)
I hate when these guys whine! I would give anything to be able to get back in the ring, and this guy's complaining. I mean, he makes more money in one week than I did in any year of my career, he lives in a 2 million dollar house...
Heh, heh . . . don't you mean, he lives in PRISON?
Oh, uh, right. Dag-nab it.
Prisoner X: You know, the one thing I thought the Circle had done well was perform in the ring. We've held numerous titles, and all of us are ranked. What other stable can match our level of success? That's why I was SHOCKED when Der Kommissaar, in his infinite wisdom, didn't award the PPV to us. You know this is just another example of...
(Suddenly, a loud snapping noise is heard throughout the arena, Prisoner X looks up just in time to see StreetMime tumbling from the rafters)
OH MY LORD! StreetMime's harness has snapped! He and Prisoner X are lying in a heap in the center of the ring.
(StreetMime, whose fall was broken by Prisoner X, stands up, brushes the "dirt" off of himself, and proceeds to walk into the "wind" and out of the ring, accompanied by a huge pop from the crowd)
StreetMime has knocked Prisoner X out cold! One can only speculate how this will effect our main event!
This is the kind of crazy unpredictability that makes the STWF great! Who could've seen that coming?
Stay with us, we'll be right back.
New! From STWF merchandise! It's the official "StreetMime: Silent but Violent" T-Shirt! The slogan's on the front, a picture of the Mime falling on Prisoner X is on the back! Order yours today!
We're back, as we kick things off with a tag matchup. Now, let's go the the ring, as anouncer lad fills us in...
This is our first match of the evening! (The rap remix of "Love is all around" starts up) Accompanied by Rimshot and Mr. Fred, representing the Entertainment Industry. . . weighing in at a total combined weight of 520 pounds.... and hailing from T.V. Land . . . here are Darren #3, and Rodney Ricardo, NIK AT NYTE!
(crowd produces a minimal pop)
("Déjà Vu" blares over the sound system) And now, weighing in at a combined weight of 517 pounds . . . from Brooklyn, New York . . . here are Jimmy Cain and Playboy Cartel, GENERATION X!
(crowd pops fairly well)
***bell rings.
So, here we go in our first match. Darren #3 and Jimmy Cain set to start things off. They hook it up. Cain with a top wristlock. Darren #3 screaming for mercy.
Bet he wishes Samantha was here to cast a spell and get him out of that hold, eh, Angus?
Heh heh heh.
Ha ha ha.
Santa: Ho ho ho.
(Security escorts Santa away silently)
Darren now, trying to escape . . . reverses it into a hammerlock.
A pretty scientific match by STWF standards.
Yes, indeed. Darren with a whip to the ropes . . . dropkick! Picks up Cain by the head. Neckbreaker!
An impressive sequence by Darren #3!
Darren tags out now to Ricardo. Ricardo in. Whips a groggy Cain to the ropes, drop toe hold . . . into an armbar submission!
Wow! I don't think I've seen Nik at Nyte ever work like this before!
An inspired performance, to be sure. Cain working his way toward the rope . . . he's got it! Ricardo forced to release the hold. Cain looks furious, but dazed.
Let's see if he can match the resiliency of his brother, The Undertaker.
Oh, my God, I can't believe you just said that . . . hiptoss by Cain. Cain picks him up . . . scoop slam! Cain with the advantage now, tags out to Cartel. Cartel . . . SLINGSHOTS RICARDO OVER THE TOP ROPE!!!
Wow. Both teams are full of surprises tonight.
Cartel follows him outside. Picks up Ricardo . . . HE'S GOING FOR A PILEDRIVER ON THE FLOOR! Here comes Darren to make the save! He clocks Cartel from behind. The referee admonishes Darren #3. What's this? Here comes Mr.Fred! He looks like he's going to sit on Cartel's face!
Uh, Angus, I don't think he's "sitting."
Oh, my lord! You're right! Mr.Fred has just laid a giant road apple on the face of Playboy Cartel!
There's no recovery from this, I'm afraid!
I know, our ratings are going to...oh, wait, you meant...never mind. Ricardo rolls back into the ring. Cain goes over to help Cartel as the referee finishes the count-out. What a gruesome and bizarre finish to what was shaping up to be a great match.
Your winners, by count-out . . . Nik at Nyte!
Mr.Fred is a menace! They ought to send that nag to the glue factory!
Rimshot: They ought to send YOU to the glue factory, old man!
Watch it, Ironside, the Captain still has a few tricks up his sleeve.
Next up, we'll have a match between the Violent Pacifist and the once-proud Executioner.
Yeah, Executioner certainly has been, dare I say, a little softer since taking his anger management classes.
First, from Seattle, Washington, and weighing in at 330 pounds, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST! ("Closer" by NIN plays, out comes VP to an OK pop*)
Next, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 335 pounds, THE EXECUTIONER! ("Black Dog" by Led Zeppelin plays, out walks the Executioner to a pop from older fans who remember the Executioner in his heyday)
***bell rings.
OK, we're set to go. Executioner goes to work right away with blows to the midsection.
Executioner: Oh, sorry did that hurt?
The Pacifist is staggered. Waistlock by Executioner. Release German suplex!
Hey! That's a pretty bold move to open with, Angus.
Please, call me Vince.
Only if you call me Linda.
What?
Uhhhhhh...nothing. Hey, pay attention to the match!
Oh, yeah. Executioner in complete control. Another release suplex! What power!
Yeah, that's 330 pounds he's throwing around there.
Executioner: Terribly sorry, old bean.
Looks like The Pacifist has about had it. Executioner going for one more...standing switch by The Pacifist! He's got him in a sleeper...
Violent Pacifist: Pleeeease, just go to sleep, I don't want to have to hurt you!
And the match grinds to a screeching halt.
Executioner seems to be weakening. He's going limp.
Insert your own Viagra joke here, fans.
The ref...
There's a ref?
Of course...
You didn't mention that before!
Anyhow, the ref lifts the arm of Executioner...it falls.
Oooh! Oooh! I bet he raises it on the third try!
The ref tries again...no response. If Executioner is unable to lift his arm this time, the match will come to an abrupt and shocking end! The ref raises the arm...it fa..wait! The arm is raised. Executioner is still in this one!
Can you imagine how shocked a guy would be if you tried a reversal on the SECOND try? Now THAT would get you into the hall of fame.
Executioner now trying to escape the sleeper. An elbow to the ribs of The Pacifist! He releases the sleeper!
Why didn't Executioner try that 30 seconds ago?
Will somebody cut his mic off? Executioner catches The Pacifist off the ropes! Backbreaker! Looks like Executioner has regained control. Back to the action; Executioner going for a piledriver . . . The Pacifist reverses with a small package! One...Two...Thr...NO! Shoulder up.
Nice reversal by The Pacifist. He sure is a rugged bada...whoops, better not, it would just get bleeped anyway.
Leg drop by The Pacifist. The Pacifist off the ropes...another leg drop! Looks like Executioner may finally be done.
Violent Pacifist: I really didn't want to do that, sir.
Hey! Not so fast! It's like I always say...It's not over until the ref counts to three while one of the wrestlers has both shoulders touching the mat and is covered by the other wrestler, or there is a submission signaled by the tapping of one of the wrestlers, or the referee deems that the fight cannot continue for any of several reasons.
That's a catchy saying.
The T-shirts will be out by September. They're eight feet long.
Meanwhile, The Pacifist continues the barrage of legdrops. Wait...it looks like he's taking the Executioner up top for the Nine Inch Nailer!
How do you know? Maybe he's going up there so he can get a better look at your bald spot! Or maybe a moonsault! You know, too much moonsault can be bad for you if you have high blood pressure.
PLEASE SHUT UP! The Pacifist is taking WAY too much time working the crowd on top of the post.
The Violent Pacifist: WAR! (ugh) Good God, y'all . . . WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? Absolutely nuthin'! Say it again...
Uh-oh! Executioner has The Pacifist in a choke hold!
Here comes the Death Penalty! He's going for it from the turnbuckle onto the floor? WOW!
Depends, don't fail me now!!!
NO! WAIT! THE VIOLENT PACIFIST WITH AN EYE GOUGE! HE NOW TAKES THE EXECUTIONER TO A PILEDRIVER ALL THE WAY TO THE RING FLOOR! IT'S A NINE INCH NAILER LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE!
Yeah. We know. I think we can read about his finisher in the bios. Mark.
The Violent Pacifist: That hurt me a lot more than it hurt you.
Who's Mark? Anyway, the Pacifist drags him back in . . . you can count to a million...One...Two...Three! Pacifist wins!
Here is your winner, THE VIOLENT PACIFIST!
Oh no! The Executioner just got a crobar from outside the ring; he's pummelling the Pacifist with it!
Whoopee! Can you see that look in the Executioner's eye?
Executioner: Oh . . . they cured me all right . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
What's this all about? We'll have to wait and see in the weeks to come. Has the old Executioner come back?
I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it's Pittsburgh-related.
Indeed. Well, this week on FFF, we'll be introducing you to a new kind of match in STWF. In their usual imaginative way, the bookers have decreed that we conduct a tournament involving real fighting skills, as opposed to wrestling. The winner will receive a big (non-BF) sack of money, as well as an undue push based on skills that have nothing to do with pro wrestling. There will be three one-minute rounds...
(Crowd begins collectively clearing their throats to prepare for chanting "boring" during three one-minute rounds)
Points will be awarded for most punches landed, takedowns, congeniality, costume, and personal hygene. We're calling this tournament . . . "THE SHOOT FOR LOOT."
(Camera pans to the ring where the two combatants are checking their gloves and mouthpieces)
Sounds like a winner! Our first matchup pairs streetfighter Tyrone Mayhem against former STWF Champion, and a behind-the-scenes close, personal, friend of mine, Ironman!
IRONMAN? Didn't he get fired?
Well, I had a little talk with the booking committe, and we agreed that we couldn't let a star of Ironman's caliber go. Believe me, the committee and I have BIG plans for Ironman in his comeback, and we think this little "tournament" will be the first phase of his big push. HAHAHAHA!
Settle down, Cap. OK, so we're set to go . . . Ironman comes out swinging . . . nothing landing . . .Mayhem now . . . BIG COMBINATION! Ironman is down!!! And . . . THAT'S IT!!! Ironman is out! Mayhem is ecstatic!!! He's standing over the bloodied carcass that was once called Ironman and is motioning toward his crotch. I can't quite make out what he's saying, but I think it has something to do with his "package." What a beating!!! Shades of Diesel - Backlund at MSG!!!
Well, thank you sooooo much, Mr. Jim Ross!
Just because your friend lost, don't take it out on me.
Not that I'm making excuses for him, but Ironman wasn't feeling well today, anyway.
Please.
Seriously, he pulled a hamstring in training.
Come on.
Really! He was basically a one-legged man out there tonight.
And he wasn't out there long!
Look, he basically had no motor skills at all. I'm surprised he was even able to sync the motion of his arms and legs while walking!
Give it a rest, Cap.
Hey! All I'm saying is that Ironman had been clinically dead for six hours by the time he set foot in the ring tonight.
I have a feeling that after this performance, Ironman may be gone for good from STWF . . . but WE'LL be RIGHT BACK!
New! From STWF home video! It's the most outrageous and crazy moments in STWF history, all on one video! It's STWF: Too Crazy Even For Canadian TV! See all of the famous mishaps that we'll never show on TV again. Including all of you favorites, like:
- "Mira Maniac has a rash"
- "Prisoner X has a gun"
- "Bohemoth accidentally kills an old woman in the front row"
- "Gary accidentally eats a woman in the front row"
]]]Hey! I'll have no more references to cunnilingus in THIS federation! You're treading on thin ice, mister. End transmission![[[
- "The Best of SunFlower"
and much, MUCH more! Order today!
(Fade-in from footage of the StreetMime-Prisoner X incident)
Well, that footage was for the benefit of those of you with attention spans of less than 5 minutes. Plus, we needed to fill up some time becuase of the surprisingly short "Shoot for Loot" match.
Ironman who?
Right . . . but just before we get to our main event, we've got a wonderful filler match for you! Our newest competitor, douja, will take on Aboriginal 2, in a "battle of the junkies."
That's right; Aboriginal 1 is in detox, and we've got to use these guys for something. The Aboriginal is in the ring now, looking nicely toasted.
And his opponent, from Parts Forgotten, weighing in at 245 lbs., douja!
("Roll it Up, Light it Up, Smoke it Up" by Cypress Hill plays. douja enters, looking even more toasted than the Aboriginal, if that's at all possible. He has a blunt sticking out of his mouth, and another one behind his ear. He doesn't pause to extinguish his smoke before entering, but rather enters with it. The ref shrugs and calls for the bell. The crowd isn't sure what to make of this wrestler.)
***bell rings.
It takes the two competitors a good thirty seconds to find each other to lock up. douja applies a headlock, and a...noogie? Hello!
Let's just hope we don't see another ab-rake like the Aboriginals do.
A2 manages to escape the deadly noogie and executes an ...ab-rake. Looks like you spoke too soon, Cap. These guys have a style all their own. I wouldn't know what to call it...
"Ineffective" springs to mind.
douja now, stepping side kick landing nicely in the opponent's thigh. Thigh? Oh Lord. Clothesline, one of the few moves that can be screwed up, is successfully done by douja. A stomp on A2 leaves him on the floor, drooling. The crowd is screaming for the pin!
They want this stupidity over and done with! Whoops, not in the mic, not in the mic, must remember that.
Perhaps douja would work better with someone who has all his faculties, but this will have to do. He pauses to light up the smoke in his ear. Hey! THAT'S the smell of the smoke whenever Death is around. So THAT'S what it is. What do you know. He blows the smoke in A2's face. Couldn't hurt. He picks up A2, burns his face with the blunt! Ouch.
Looks like we're nearing the end of this one.
douja turns him over, here comes the piledriver!
I've just been informed he named the finisher the "Chronic Neck Pain". Good name, for a junkie.
The cover: 1...2...3! douja successful in his debut.
Here is your winner...douja!
Both men exit the ring. douja is screaming for the purse right away. He's in for a shock when he finds out he won't get a paycheck for two weeks.
They could just pay him in joints...
That's enough of that. It's time for our main event here on Friday Friday Friday!
(AC/DC's "Hell's Bells" starts. Prisoner X comes out to a big pop, which grows after the crowd sees that he is with the rest of the Inner Circle. The Prisoner appears to be quite groggy.)
From NY, NY, weighing 290 pounds, and accompanied by the Inner Circle, PRISONER X!!!
(Grieg's "In the Hall of the Mountain King" starts up, and out comes Bohemoth, with the Asylum Alliance. He draws a good deal of heel heat.)
Announcer Lad: From Charleston, WV, weighing 400 pounds, and accompanied by the Asylum Alliance, BOHEMOTH!!!
Prisoner X appears to be in no shape to participate in this bout, but it looks like he'll give it a go, anyway. Bohemoth on the attack with a vicious right to the head. He gets Prisoner X in a side headlock. Into a vertical suplex! What power by Bohemoth!
He's one of the strongest in the game.
Front chancery applied by Bohemoth. Prisoner X struggles to get to the ropes. The ref orders a break. Bohemoth complies. Prisoner X now with a kick to the midsection. The crowd is really getting behind him, but will it matter?
The damage done by Streetmime may be too much, I'm afraid.
But look at this, now! Prisoner X fighting like a man possessed! This is brutal! A vicious flurry by the Prisoner . . . DDT!!!
He's quick for a big man.
Prisoner X now, setting up for a powerbomb . . . YES! Bohemoth may be out cold! Prisoner X . . . he's going for another powerbomb . . . HE DOES IT AGAIN! Ah-Choo!
Two powerbombs on a 400-pounder is nothing to sneeze at.
I apologize. The Prisoner in total control, and, surprisingly, the Asylum Alliance is not interfering. Maybe they think better of interfering when the Inner Circle is close by.
Either that, or they believe Bohemoth can come back from this.
Maybe. Prisoner X appears to be softening him up for the Lockdown. Prisoner X now, picks Bohemoth up by the head . . . inverted atomic drop! He . . . he's GOING UP TOP! Double knee drop to the sternum!
Bohemoth can't take much more of this.
Prisoner X now . . . he's . . . yes, it's THE LOCKDOWN! The Alliance tries to interfere, but they are stopped by the Inner Circle. Although, B.F. Sack's heart doesn't seem to be in it. Anyway, while this melee has ensued at ringside, Bohemoth has somehow reached the rope and the ref orders a break.
The almost simian reach of the big man coming in handy right there.
What do you mean "almost"? The huge brawl continues unchecked at ringside. Sack appears to have stopped fighting in favor of signing autographs for kids. Inside the ring, Prisoner X looks like he's going to try to finish Bohemoth off with another powerbomb. But no! His back gives out!
That's definitely "fall-out" from the StreetMime incident earlier this evening.
No doubt! An exhausted and obviously injured Prisoner X trying one more time for a powerbomb . . . wait . . . he may have it . . . he's almost got him uuuuupp . . . REVERSAL BY BOHEMOTH INTO A VICTORY ROLL!!! AMAZING!!! ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE!!!
Incredible agility for a man of his size . . . I mean DAMN!!! What a move!
That leaves Bohemoth available to participate in the brawl between the Alliance and the Circle. Meanwhile, Sack appears to be attending to the fallen Prisoner in the middle of the ring.
Wait . . . is Sack smiling?
We're out of time!!!
(Fade to black)
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre