Friday Friday Friday #16

{{Leading the way for the ever-approaching "Canada Day Chaos," Friday Friday Friday opens with a quick promotion for the event. As the show gets under way, we are treated to the colorful blasts of assorted roman candles and bottle rockets. Apparently, the STWF officials have struck a deal with Crazy Joe's House Of Fireworks to purchase faulty merchandise in bulk. Of course, if the pyro guys start losing hands, they have no one to blame but themselves.}}
Good evening ladies and gentlemen!! We're on the air, we're live, and we're rated TV-14... thank you for joining us for another edition of Friday Friday Friday. As if you didn't know, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden... and by my side, as always, is the seldom speechless Jamal Tupac Mustafa. Say hello, Jamal... 'Sup.
We have a great deal of action for you this evening, viewers... we'll see the Rogue's Gallery... Nik At Nyte will be in action... The Inner Circle have some sort of talk segment planned, plus B.F Sack will put his belt on the line against the Drunken One, Death. All that, plus LOTS more here on this program.
{{The crowd does little more than mumble as the Village People re-dubbing "Nacho Man" blasts over the PA system.}}
Our first contest, scheduled for one fall, is with a twenty minute time limit. Currently making his way down the aisle... he weighs in at 215 lbs., and hails from Guadalajara, Mexico... led to the ring by El Presidente and Salsa, and representing Mexico Unlimited, former ICCTINACBBIC title holder: Tortilla Tito!!
{{Flanked by El Presidente and Salsa, Tortilla Tito climbs into the ring and awaits his challenge.}}
And his opponent...
{{The crowd boos as the Generic Japanese Theme Music Of A Wrestler >From Another Organization plays. Sasuke comes out first, waving the Japanese War Flag.}}
Hailing from Osaka, Kansai, Japan... he weighs in at 185 lbs., and is led to the ring by the great Sasuke... he is: Oni-Saaaaan!!
Oni-San with us again this week. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see too much of this rookie last week in his match against OddJobber when the Inner Circle saw fit to disrupt our broadcast. The referee signals the time keeper, and this thing is underway. These are two great cruiserweights before us, here... Tortilla Tito, of course, a former title holder. Oni-San, a new-comer here, and has not yet proven himself to the fans or his fellow wrestlers. A win over Tito could really establish this young man as a title contender. We'll see.
Jamal... being quiet this week. I like it.
Yo, screw you, V...
Quiet, and belligerent... interesting. A lock-up, and Tito is pushed back into the corner. The ref calls for the clean break, but no such luck as Oni-San delivers a stinging left hook across Tito's face. Oni-San being warned about his actions, but he simply ignores the warnings as he picks Tito up and executes a beautiful scoop slam. Sasuke looks very happy at his protégé's performance thus far. El Presidente looks rather concerned.
If Sasuke ain't careful, he gonna end up in a trash bag out behind a Taco Bell, somewhere... ... El Presidente makes things happen.
That's always a possibility. Tito back up, but he is met by a running drop kick. Oni-San with the cover... 1... 2... no. Tito up on two. Tito with a leg sweep, and down into a grapevine. Oni-San on the defensive now. The referee is asking Oni-San if he wants to submit... no such luck. Oni-San struggling... ... and finally... ... yes! He makes it to the ropes, and the hold must be broken. Both men back up on their feet, now... another lock-up, and Tito is on the receiving end of a knee to the gut. Tito is doubling over, and Oni-San tosses him out of the ring, to the arena floor. What could he be setting Tito up for? Oni-San into the ropes, now... from the other side... jumps up... springboard plancha!! He plasters Tortilla Tito on the outside!
Boo-yeah! That was awesome, V!
Very impressive, indeed... Oni-San picks Tito up and rolls him back into the ring. Back in the ring, himself, now... Oni-San into the ropes, drops a quick elbow on Tito and goes for the cover... 1... 2... no! Tito back up, still with some fight left in him. You're not going to put a former STWF title holder away that easily!
One word: StreetMime.
Okay, enough of that. StreetMime is a great worker. He'll be out here later, as well. Tito tries to go for a backslide, but Oni-San drops to his knees, and reverses it. The pin... 1... 2... Thr... no! What a close one, Tito just barely getting his shoulder up on two. What's this? Salsa on the ring apron, now... distracting the referee... on the other side, here comes El Presidente with a chair! This is about to get ugly, folks! Wait! Sasuke in the ring now... spinning heel kick to El Presidente, sending him reeling to the corner! Oni-San picks up the chair, and BLASTS Tortilla Tito! Salsa has no idea that the plan went awry, and that she may have just inadvertently cost her man the match! The managers out of the ring, now... Oni-San signalling for something... could we see the Oni-Bomb??
Magic 8-Ball says "More than likely."
Scoops Tito up... runs with him... yes!! The Oni-Bomb it was! The cover is just a technicality, here... 1... 2... 3! Yes, the rookie has defeated the elder Tortilla Tito! Oni-San is victorious!
Here is your winner: Oni-San!
El Presidente in the ring now, verbally attacking Salsa and Tortilla Tito. All is not well in Mexico Unlimited, it seems. Oni-San and Sasuke are celebrating their way back to the locker area. Wow, what a way to open up this week's show! Wouldn't you say, Jamal?
Yea, whatever.
Jamal... what is wrong with you?!
No, really... something is wrong.
Come on, Jamal... you're not being your jovial self... what is it?
Okay... you want the trufh?
Yes... the truth would be nice.
I been out here bustin' my hump commentatin', like, fo'ever... and all o' a sudden, the Inner Circle pops up and gets they own talk segment. What about me? When does Jamal get to speak his piece?
Well, Jamal... if you really want to... go ahead... right now. We have a few minutes before our next match.
A'ight, then... ... da gloves are off... Jamal's gonna tell it like it is.
I think that da STWF back office suits suck.
Uh-huh... ... ... ... oh, is that all?
Oh, well... ... happy now?
Yea, brah... thanks. Jus' wanted da opportunity.
Oh, well... no problem. In fact, the STWF officials are not real popular right now, with all the card delays and all... ... but that's neither here nor there. Our next match is ready to get under-way, so let's take you back down to ringside.
The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is with a forty minute time limit. Currently coming down the aisle, at a total combined weight of 610 lbs., lead to the ring by Strep, the team of Carnage, and The Stalker!!
Contrary to popular belief, the Stalker is not related to, nor is he in any way affiliated with Barry Windham.
{{The crowd gives a quiet, yet positive, response as Carnage, Stalker, and "Strep" (formerly the unnamed manager) step out from the back. KI$$'s "Danger" begins to play a few moments too late.}}
Sounds like da audio guy fell asleep at the wheel, again.
Certainly does... Carnage's manager now recognized as "Strep" by the STWF. Strep, or course, winning the "Name Carnage's Manager" contest...
I still calls 'im "Red."
Well, Strep it is... of course, whether or not Strep and Carnage decide to accept that name is anyone's guess. Carnage and Stalker in the ring now... awaiting the arrival of Nik At Nyte.
Maybe Stalker should take a cue from Not Prisoner X, and call himself "Not Barry Windham." It would help clear up a lot of confusion.
You seem to be the only one who's confused, Jamal.
Yea, well...
{{The crowd gives a VERY loud negative response as the rap-remix of "Love Is All Around (The Theme To The Mary Tyler Moore Show)" thumps out of the PA speakers. Rimshot comes out first, leading the notorious Mr. Fred. Darren #3 and Rodney Ricardo follow, dressed in their grotesquely-colored eggplant and pumpkin Armani suits.}}
I've said it once, I'll say it again... eggplant and pumpkin... I had NO idea Armani made suits in those colors.
And their opponents... hailing from TV Land, they weigh in at a total combined weight of 520 lbs. Accompanied to the ring by their managers Rimshot and Mr. Fred, here is: Rodney Ricardo... Darren #3... representing the Entertainment Industry, Nik at Nyte!!
{{More loud boos ring out as the trio enter the squared circle, with Mr. Fred left standing on the outside.}}
The fans really hate these guys. They started in the STWF as bums off the street... loveable mid-card babyface bums. Now, since hooking up with the Entertainment Industry, they've become the arrogant heels who are only out to make a buck... and they've been quite successful since the change!
Da fans hate it when someone's more successful as heels than faces... ... it's sour grapes... like they sayin' "Look, we don't need no fan support." Makes da fans feel unimportant.
Impressive! That was an insightful and almost coherent thing to say!
It looks like Darren #3 and Stalker will be starting things off, here. Strep, Rimshot, and Mr. Fred all at ringside. What a match this should be. Carnage and Stalker made the challenge, but Nik At Nyte didn't want any part of them... ...
Until da back office started pullin' out da cash. In da Entertainment Industry, it's all about da moolah.
Quite right... Stalker and D3 lock up... D3 pushes Stalker away and yells "Get your filthy hands off me"?!? Who does he think he is? Gorgeous George? Oh, brother... it just gets worse and worse with these guys. Here we go... another lock up, and D3 throws Stalker to the mat. It appears that D3 has been doing a little conditioning... looks to be in great shape. What a difference new management makes.
I hear dat...
Stalker back up, and... tackles D3!! Wow! Grabs D3 back up... Irish whip to the turnbuckle... big splash! D3 is rocked... and collapses in the corner! Stalker drags him out and goes for the pin... 1... 2... No! Ricardo makes the save on two. Helps his partner to the corner, before the referee forces him out. The tag is made now, and Ricardo is in. Let's see if his quickness can overwhelm the much larger Stalker... well, we won't find out because Stalker just tagged in the EVEN LARGER Carnage.
These EI guys are gettin' dwarfed by these new guys.
Very true... Carnage grabs Ricardo by the collarbone and tosses him to the corner... Oh, my!! Running knee-lift! Carnage clobbering Ricardo in the corner, now... beating the little man down. Not even Milwaukee's Best manhandled Nik At Nyte like these guys are!
Milwaukee's Best... da only guys to beat Nik At Nyte so far... but this team of Carnage and Stalker lookin' pretty phat... I think they gots a chance. But don't count m'boyz Nik At Nyte out yet... they use them brains...
That's right. Nik At Nyte are very wiley, especially under Rimshot's guidance. Carnage picks up Ricardo... vertical suplex coming up!! Holds him up for a moment, letting all of the blood flow to his head... and, yes... drops him down hard! The cover... 1... 2... Darren #3 makes the save. Nik At Nyte are going to have to do something quick... Ricardo dashes to the corner and tags D3. Maybe the larger D3 can take Carnage down. D3 charges... tries a clothesline, but Carnage doesn't go down. Big boot... err, loafer to the midsection... Carnage is staggered, but still won't go down!! D3 with a series of double ax-handles to the big man's back... Carnage finally on one knee... D3 into the ropes, comes back with a flying body block... Carnage down, and D3 tags in Ricardo. Ricardo climbs to the top turnbuckle, executes a beautiful Shooting Star Press. Goes for the cover... 1... 2... Carnage gets the shoulder up, but just barely.
I'm impressed, V... this ain't da squash match people thought it was gonna be.
I agree... Carnage tags in Stalker. Stalker charges Ricardo, but Ricardo moves... crescent kick sends Stalker down... Ooo... he caught that one hard!! Ricardo signalling for the Babalu Bounce!! We could see it! Y-... wait a minute!
Uh-oh... here comes trouble for Nik At Nyte!
Indeed! The Vegas Connection coming down the ramp to ringside. Lester Leary has a microphone.
That ain't never good!
Lester: Hey, Nik At Nyte!! You think you're the greatest? You think YOU are the première tag team of the Entertainment Industry? That's crap!! JACK! Listen here, pals... We're former tag team champions... we've been around this dump since the beginning, and now that we've outgrown it, we're burning up the charts in the MBC. We're getting a tag shot there... have you even gotten a tag shot here, yet? NO! JACK! Darren #3 now, on the floor, making a run at the Connection, Rimshot trying to hold him back... but in a wheelchair, it's of no use! Darren #3 charging up the ramp... someone leaps out of the audience!! It's Gavin Macleod of Love Boat and Mary Tyler Moore fame! He attacks D3 with a steel chair!!
Fo' an old fart, he swingin' like a major leaguer!
Darren #3 is down on the runway... Rimshot over to check on him, and he's scolding the Vegas Connection! Meanwhile, back in the ring... Carnage is up, and beating Ricardo down... Ricardo crawls over to his corner, but looks confused that no one is there...
This thang comin' apart at da seams, V!
The referee gets Carnage out of the ring, and Stalker is finally back up... Ricardo has no place to go... Rimshot and D3 aren't ringside... he looks to Mr. Fred for guidance...
Mr. Fred: !!! !!! !!! !!! No dice... Mr. Fred is stumped...
Is that what he said?
I dunno... he jus' looks confused...
Sure, Jamal... whatever you say, man... Stalker attacks Ricardo, sending him to the mat with a big chop!
The much larger Stalker is having his way with the kid from Harlem... the Desi Arnaz incarnate. Back on the ramp... the medics are coming down to retrieve the fallen Darren #3... Macleod and the Vegas Connection are all hugs by the entranceway, and they've been joined by... Todd Bridges?! Are we seeing the reformation of the Ratings Flock?!?
Gawd, let's hope not...
Why isn't the referee stopping this match? Stalker tags Carnage in... Carnage all over Ricardo... whips him to the buckle... Strep slides a steel chair into the ring... the referee sees it and STILL does nothing!! Carnage lifts up Ricardo... sits him on the top turnbuckle... he's going for the Doomsday! No one's here to help Nik At Nyte... the rest of the Entertainment Industry are fulfilling contractual agreements down in Rio...
Sure, they are... ::winks::
Carnage on the top now... Doomsday, top rope piledriver! Yes!! I bet Anarchy is angry about that one... 1... 2... 3!
Here are your winners: The team of Stalker and Carnage!
The referee, Stalker, Carnage, and Strep are all hugging in the ring... Bridges, Macleod, Lowbrow, and Leary all hugging on the ramp... both Nik At Nyte members are down, and Rimshot doesn't know what to think! I smell conspiracy! Carnage and Leary giving each other the "thumbs up." I'm trying to sympathize with the Nik At Nyte boys, but I really can't. Something leads me to believe that they got what they deserved.
The medics are getting Nik At Nyte out of here... you know, Der Kommissaar really needs to up the medical budget... they're taking these guys out on old hammocks from out back... Mr. Fred looks visibly upset.
DAAAAMN! Check that out, V!!
So upset, in fact, that he's charging the Vegas Connection!! They're high-tailing it out of here!! Someone's got to stop that horse!! Well, at least he's out of our area... galloping off through the back somewhere. I wonder what Rimshot will have to say about all of this. And what more can happen tonight?!
Lots... we still gots three matches, plus "The Inner Sanctum."
Well, let's not waste any time... Announcer Lad, take it away.
Our following contest, scheduled for one fall is with a five minute time limit...
Five minutes?
It's a StreetMime match...
Oh, a'ight.
Currently coming down the aisle, from Nice, France... weighing in at 209 lbs., StreetMime!
{{The crowd is silent as StreetMime walks against the wind, to the ring.}}
And his opponent, hailing from Detroit, Michigan... weighing in at 335 lbs., the "Kinder, Gentler" Executioner!
{{The crowd gives a loud, mixed response as the Executioner comes down to the tune of Led Zeppelin's "Black Dog."}} Well, this is the first time we've seen the Executioner since he started taking those anger management classes... let's see if they made a difference. Lock-up with the StreetMime... scoops him up... press slam! Impressive...
No, not really...
Yea, you're right... Executioner with the cover... 1... 2... 3! In a rematch from Monday Nae Trous #28's "StreetMime Rules" match for the title, the Executioner has gotten his revenge. Does this mean he'll be making a run at whoever wins tonight between Death and B.F. Sack? Possibly!
Maybe the Executioner really is kinder and gentler! He helpin' the StreetMime up, and raisin' his hand...
Oh, and now they're hugging...
If you axe me, they been too much huggin' on the card tonight...
And we're only half-way through!! Coming up next, if we can focus our attention on the stage left of the arena... ... the Inner Circle, with the "Inner Sanctum." Their little talk segment... ... Inner Circle, take it away... ...
{{The yet to be determined Inner Circle theme music plays as the Inner Circle comes out to a huge pop. Just to further vex Jamal Tupac Mustafa, they engage in a group hug, before taking their places on the set of the Inner Sanctum.}} TIGER: Hey everybody, welcome to the inaugural edition of the Inner Sanctum. We will be here every week giving you the inside scoop on what's goin down in the STWF.
TYRONE: Ain't that what the rumors are fo', yo?
BEAST LIGHT: Well for those of us who don't care who is in the Image factory, Exectioner, or how the Rogue is "supposably" making a return, this is the place to be.
TIGER: We will bring you up close with your favorite personalities every week on FFF. The good, the bad, and yes, Pencil Neck Geek, the ugly. This is where you will get the uncensored truth about the STWF, not just what Der Kommissaar wants you to know.
BEAST: With Canada Day Chaos coming soon, we have a special guest with us today.
BEAST LIGHT: Canada Day Chaos? Isn't that where random teams of three compete with the winning team then facing each other and the winner gets a title shot?
TIGER: uh...yeah
BEAST LIGHT: So what team am I on?

{{The group looks at each other nervously.}}
BEAST: uh...Team E?
BEAST LIGHT: Man, I can't wait!

{{Tiger whispers to Tyrone who is sitting beside him "Someone has GOT to tell him that he didn't make the cut!"}}
TIGER: Well, getting back to business. Our guest today is none other than Mira Maniac!
{{Alice Cooper's 1989 classic "This Maniac's in Love With You" plays as the Maniac, accompanied by Vito Sorvino, comes out to a chorus of boos and takes his place next to the Tiger.}}
TIGER: Well, since you, me and Not Prisoner X are a team, it is only fair that you are my first guest.
MANIAC: That, and I AM the best interview in the STWF!
{{Tiger again whispers to Tyrone "check out this guy!"}} TIGER: I think it is obvious that we have the best team, do you think that Bohemoth, Executioner, and Col. "Pops" Khorne will give us a challenge in the first match?
MANIAC: Well, you and I have already proven ourselves against Bohemoth, Executioner hasn't been good in a long time, and The Colonel actually remembers when the Ex WAS good. I mean, give me a break! Besides, if you ask me, I think the Executioner has lost step.
TIGER: Executioner...isn't that guy dead or something?
MANIAC: He was, but he got better. TIGER: Anyway, after we win the tourney, do you actually think you can beat me and NPX? MANIAC: I don't think I can, I know I can! YEA! TIGER: Settle down superstar, let's save it for the ring. ::turning towards Vito:: So Guido, what's your story?
VITO: First of all, call me Guido again, and I'll cut your %@*$ing nuts off!
TIGER: Sorry!! Honest mistake, I swear!
VITO: The story is this: The boss, here... the Maniac was having a couple of troubles. First of all, he needed help getting his foot in the door with Good Cousin Mira... I helped. He has an appointment wit' her publicist a week from Thursday. Secondly, he ain't the biggest of wrestlers... he needed someone to watch his back... I did that, too. Plus, he needed someone who could clean his house and make a mean Chicken Carbonara. That's me. I was a part time butler before I hooked up wit' the STWF.
TIGER: Well... Mira, is there anything else you want to add?
MIRA: Well, first of all... I look forward to being your partner at Canada Day Chaos... then I look forward to winning the triangle match... and then I look forward to defeating the champion, and becoming the next BMOC. Secondly, look for a change with the Asylum Alliance. Bohemoth, Circus Freaks, ThatGuy... y'know... they're m'boys... we're tight... but I don't think we're being all that we can be. The Maniac's not going to wait for someone to pass him the ball... ... I'm just going to take it and run...
TIGER: That's very interesting... sorry, but "the man" says that we are out of time. Next week we hope to have a debate betweem Mr. Fred and Not Prisoner X. The topic: Who has the worst gimick in the Tag Division, The Techie Salesmen or the Bad A$$es. Enjoy the rest of the show!
{{The lights dim on the Inner Sanctum set, as the cameras once again roll on Angus and Jamal.}} Well, that was certainly interesting... what are your thoughts on it, Jamal?
Better than da Love Shack or Barber Shop, but not yet as good as the Funeral Parlor or Piper's Pit.
Fair enough. Our next match, ladies and gentlemen, is another tag match, and a contest between two new teams here. On one side, we have the Rogue's guys... Rhythm & Blues...
Whoa!! The Rogue has signed Greg Valentine and da Honky Tonk Man!?!
No... this is another Rhythm & Blues... Elwood P. Rhythm, and C.P. Blues. They take on everyone's favorite disgruntled fast food workers, The Crew. If you ask me, neither team here can afford the loss.
I think you right, V.
The following contest, scheduled for one fall, is with a thirty minute time limit. Currently coming down the aisle, from Los Angeles, California... weighing in at a total combined weight of 597 lbs., John Whopper... Chris Fry... The CREW!
{{The crowd gives a less-than-loud chorus of boos and moans as the Crew comes down the aisle.}}
And their opponents...
{{"Weird Al" Yankovic's "Eat It" begins to play.}}
Apparently, the audio guy is having some more problems...
Hailing from Hitsville, USA... weighing in at a total combined weight of 600 lbs., lead to the ring by the Rogue, and representing the Rogue's Gallery... Elwood P. Rhythm... C.P. Blues... ... RHYTHM & BLUES!!
{{The crowd gives a loud negative response as Rhythm & Blues, with the Rouge, comes down the aisle. They look visibly displeased that they are coming down to the Crew's theme music. Nonetheless, the climb into the ring.}} The bell rings, and this thing is ready to start. The referee is getting the Rogue out of the ring. Whopper and Blues are going to start this thing.
Whopper and Blues... that sounds like a tag team, itself...
Uh-huh. Lock-up... Whopper with a headlock, but Blues just slips out of it. It looks like the afro may be an advantage. Whopper and Blues circling each other, now... Whopper dives at Blues' knees and takes him down! Impressive maneuver! Whopper back up, drops the elbow!
{{Martha and the Vandelas' "Dancing In The Street" begins to play.}} Umm... yes, we are DEFINITELY having some problems up in the audio booth.
Uh-oh! This ain't good for the Crew!! The music is getting Rhythm & Blues hyped!
Blues is up, and he slides over to make the tag to Rhythm. Rhythm is, now... plasters Whopper with a running clothesline... ... in, umm, rhythm, I might add.
'Rasslin' to da Oldies... Richard Simmons, watch out!
Whopper jets to his corner, tags in Fry. Fry jumps over the top rope into the ring, but Rhythm is right there, catching him mid-air! Belly-to-belly suplex! Rhythm into the ropes... drops a very stylish elbow. The Rogue looks very pleased at ringside. Rhythm grabs Fry up... Irish whip to the ropes... executes a beautiful spinebuster. Rhythm & Blues look like they could very well be the NEW Indestructibles!

Only wit' style!! Da brothas got it goin' on!
{{The music stops.}} Well, maybe we have things worked out in the audio booth...
{{The Cars' "You Might Think" begins to play.}}
...or maybe not.
It okay, though... nu-wave be bumpin', too.
Come Monday, I'm sure we'll have a new audio guy... anyone wanting to apply should check with the STWF front offices. Enough about that-- back to the action! Rhythm & Blues are just walking all over The Crew!
Oh, now THAT'S arrogance! Rhythm throws Fry to the mat, and is now stepping on his face!! Oh, come on! It's obvious the Rogue has trained these guys well... end it already!
I think he heard you... he goin' for da Chartbuster!
You may be right... Rhythm now, has Fry up... drops him! Chartbuster! Whopper tries to make the save, but is met by Blues, who tosses him from the ring! The cover is made... 1... 2... 3! Successful second match for Rhythm & Blues!
Ladies and gentlemen! Here are your winners: Rhythm & Blues!! We got the power, baby, 'cause we own the WORLD!! Ha-LA!
The Rogue very happy with these guys... finally, the music has stopped all together... maybe no music at all is better than the wrong music... who knows? Well, The Crew are a good up-and-coming tag team, but the Rogue's Rhythm & Blues just squashed them!
Well, if ya gots to be beaten, might as well be beaten by da best!
Quite right, Jamal. Well, we're ready for our main event of the evening... B.F. Sack, our world champion, actually answering the challenge of Death, and putting his belt on the line.
Death made an open challenge, and Sack answered... whatta chump... er, I mean champ...
Yes, well... apparently, they've replaced the audio guy with someone competent... we'll see... Announcer Lad, take it away!
Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest, scheduled for one fall, with a thirty minute time limit, is for the STWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
{{The crowd pops big time. After a moment, the Chorus Of Death begins to play, as Death comes stumbling from the back, garbed only in boxer shorts and tube socks. He has a remote control in one hand, and a bottle of Crown Royal in the other. Obviously celebrating Canada Day early with some Canadian whiskey. A cigar dangles from his mouth.}}
Introducing first, the challenger: He hails from Death Valley, California, and weighs in at 310 pounds. He's half-naked, and is STWF's own Drunken Menace... he is: DEATH!
{{He offers a sip of liquor to a young child at ringside before staggering up the ring steps.}} Get a load of this guy! What a scumbag!
I likes 'im. He should come down to Old Town and hang wit' me and my clique...
And, the champion:
{{The crowd goes ballistic as The Theme To Sanford and Son plays.}} He hails from Panama City, Florida, and weighs in at 282 pounds. Lead to the ring by Big Daddy Panama... the STWF HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD: B.F. SAAAAAACK!!
{{The crowd continues to go wild as Sack and Panama come down the ramp, "Grady" in tow. BDP tries to shoo "Grady" away, but it's no use.}} Sack in the ring, now... the referee takes the belt and hold it up for all to see. Death is... ... umm, scratching himself. Ooo, boy... I shudder to think that this man could be champion.
Nah... ain't gonna happen. What we 'bout to see is a good ol' fashioned "mid-carder gets punked by main eventer" match.
I hope you're right. Death jumps Sack... the bell hasn't even rung! Sack pushed to the outside... Death climbs to the top turnbuckle, and ... well, just sort of falls on Sack... sloppy, but effective. Big Daddy Panama now, checking on Sack, but Death smashes that Crown Royal bottle over his head!! Oh my God!!

Somebody get the hammocks ready, 'cause we 'bout to need 'em.
Death is ramming Sack's head repeatedly into the guardrail! Death with a steel chair, now... lays it right across Sack's spine! Death rolls Sack into the ring, and follows. The bell rings, now. Medics out here, once again... hauling BDP off. They're sure earning their paychecks today. Sack is writhing on the mat... Death drops a big legdrop to the back of his head. Could Death possibly win? We've already seen some upsets tonight, with Carnage and Stalker beating Nik At Nyte, Oni-San beating the veteran Tortilla Tito, and Rhythm & Blues squashing The Crew...
Not to mention the StreetMime and Executioner engaging in a public display of affection... and the first Inner Sanctum.
This could very well be the most historically significant Friday Friday Friday EVER!! Sack, grabs Death's foot and trips him up. Sack, back on his feet... he won't go down easily, if he goes down at all! Sack, stomping Death, now... it may not be technically pretty, but it will wear your opponent down quickly. Sack with a kneedrop, and now going for the cover... 1... 2... Death up!! Very surprising!! Death crawls to the ropes, and pulls himself up. Action fast and furious, now... Death charges Sack, hesitates, before he executes a reverse knife-edge chop.
Looks like he fo'got what he was gonna do!
Probably did... years of drinking will make you forget things... just ask Milwaukee's Best, or Der Kommissaar.
]]]Hey! I don't drink! Well, maybe I enjoy a snifter of port at Christmas, and the occasional kegger when I watch another federation's PPV, but that's IT! I've had just about enough of this Kommissaar-bashing. End transmission![[[
What the hell just happened? Anyway.
Sack refuses to go down, rocks Death with a hay-maker. The referee warns him about the closed fist. Death, adjusting his boxer shorts, now...
Do you really hafta commentate on EVERYTHING?
Well, umm... ... ... Sack with a running lariat! Catches Death off-guard, and knocks him through the ropes to the ring apron. Sack with the thrust kick!! Sends Death flying backwards... he hits the back of his head on the steel rampway. He hit hard!! The referee starts the count. Death is trying to get up, and back to the ring... can he do it? 2... 3... You must give credit to Sack... even after that beating he took before the opening bell, he's giving it his all, and fighting a terrific match here! 5...
Screw-job alert! Who is that?
>From the audience... a large masked man... dressed all in black, and carrying a large pick-axe. He slides into the ring behind Sack... referee is busy counting, doesn't see it... ... Oh, no!!! He just layed Sack out with the handle of that axe! He's kicking the fallen champion!! The referee STILL does not see it!
Ain't that the same ref that reffed the Nik At Nyte match?
Yes, and I have a feeling come tomorrow he'll be joining the former audio guy in the unemployment line. I hear PorkLand's hiring... that might be good news... This masked man's attack rages on... a powerbomb, now! Sack is out... completely out! He's choking Sack with the handle, now!! 9... Death finally back in the ring, surprisingly, as this unknown gentleman slides out under the bottom rope, and disappears back into the audience. Death picks up the bloodied Sack, and sits him on the top buckle... Death to the outside... climbing to the top, going presumably for the Death Penalty. Could it be? Up... ... and DOWN!! Death Penalty it was!! After the beating before the bell, and the attack by the masked man, there is NO WAY Sack can get up after that!! The cover is made... 1... 2... 3! I can not believe this!!! Death has defeated Sack for the World Title!
A mediocre, third ranked for the North American title, mid-card heel has defeated da ultra-babyface main event star, and World Champ... only in da STWF! And da scary thing is, he ain't even da worst world champion we've had! He does good to rank a distant third...
That's neither here nor there! This is a travesty!! Death, now... with the belt around his waist... Oh, good God, why did this happen?!
Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner, and NEW STWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION... DEATH!!!!!
{{The crowd's boos and hisses are deafening, as they begin littering the ring with everything they can get their hands on... including smaller, weaker members of the audience.}} Random Audience Member: Hey!! Someone get Granny out of the ring!!!
Death has never been more over than at this very minute...
And with good reason!! These fans are outraged! Not only did he defeat the mega-popular B.F. Sack to become the new World Champion, but it was the way he did it!! I mean, come on! Has this guy ever won a clean match?
Nope, and I doubt he ever will...
You may very well be right... well, the riot squad is on it's way, and we're out of time. Thank you for joining us this evening... it's been a night of surprises... for Jamal Tupac Mustafa, I'm Angus "Vince" McMadden saying "Join us here next week for another Friday, Friday, Friday... because one Friday is never enough!"
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre