(the Cowpie Palace, dark and dusty as always, especially after the
extravaganza of SUPERCARD III. But we still have Girl Friday, and she's
in the ring, what's that, did she just say that she'll take on any wrestler
in the STWF, naked? Well, we already knew that, but she wants to wrestle
them live. There aren't any takers. Oh well.)
Everybody say it, one more time. FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY. Yes, it's that time again, and we've got actual title defenses going on here tonight. But first things first, and the first match we've got is the Pencil Necked Geek who will take on JJJ Forbes. Any comments Gary.
Munch, munch, uhhhh, no, me and him have had our fun. I've done my one match this year, and that's it. I lost almost 40 pounds in sweat at Supercard, and I've got to gain it all back.
After that we are gonna see a big rematch between Nik at Nyte and Milwaukee's Best, and then onto an actual title defense. Tortilla Tito will defend his Intercontinental Cruiserweight "This is Not A Championship Belt But Its Close" Title. Whew, I've got to catch my breath. Oh yeah he's gonna fight Pimp of the Year, and both the Entourage and several members of Mexico Unlimited will be at ringside. Finally we have a Number 1 contender match for the STWF Championship Belt. The Executioner will take on B.F. Sack, and whoever wins this will get a shot at the Square at the next Nae Trous. And who knows, there might be more, there's lots of wrestlers back there just ready to fight, and Der Kommissaar was seen with several contracts in hand earlier tonight. That's right I saw him, with my own two eyes, and he is....
Shuuuuut Uuuuuup. Do you want to lose your tongue, I sure don't because then I couldn't taste all my favourite treats. GULP.
Currently in the ring, Triple Job Forbes, I mean, Joe the Jamaican Jobber Forbes.
And now...( the lights suddenly go off and then flash back on. Pencil Necked Geek is in the ring, with Bait and Switch.)
PNG: Yes, it is I, your intelligent superior. Mr. Bait and Mr. Switch are here to make sure that not one of you can interfere in my match. If any of you low-IQ numbskulls dare stick your face in my business you will be quickly outsmarted, and embarrassed.
Well, seems a little paranoid, doesn't he? You're not thinking of going in there and making an ass of yourself, are you Gary?
Who me? I'd never do a thing like that. PNG goes after the complacent JJJ, who seems a little pissed off by the whole thing. After all it's a Friday night, and there's drinking to be done. He wants to collect that paycheck and hit the town.
PNG with a kick to JJJ's huge abs, and the far bigger man goes down. PNG runs to the ropes and bounces off, dropping a leg on JJJ from quite a height. Say what you will, PNG knows how to wrestle.
Oh come on, we both know that all geeks like him are so uncoordinated that they can't tie their shoes without falling down. Look at that, Geek goes for the Flying Headbutt on JJJ, and he misses him completely. JJJ didn't even have to move.
I thing PNG's lights are out. JJJ is scatching his head, I don't think this was in the script...ooops. What's wrong with you tonight, Angus old boy. This just isn't like you at all.
Well, at least you called me by my given name, but I'm younger that you. Looks like JJJ has had an original thought, he is a champion of the Jobbers you know. Whatever that means. He's going for the cover on PNG. 1..2.. Oh, Bait just came in to make the save. Switch has some smelling salts and PNG is back up ready to go. Forbes just stands there, and grabs onto the kick from PNG. He hops a few times trying to get his balance, and Enzuigiri. Forbes goes down like he's been shot. Pencil Necked Geek gets him up somehow, and the Sharpened Pencil is delivered. Ref raises the arms on JJJ: 1...2...3. It's over, and Forbes is back up and running out of the ring, he's done his job for tonight.
He's off to see Sweet Candy Andy. While Pimp of the Year gets a shot tonight, Andy is cleaning up. Be that as it may, we have got a really big sheew lined up now. Who's that in the first row, why didn't we notice them before.
I don't know Vince, I guess I don't watch as much TV as you do. But it seems to be the Ratings Flock. I guess they're here to see Nik at Nyte battle Milwaukee's best. There's Todd Bridges again, and he looks kinda funny, like he wants to kill someone or something.
Well, it wouldn't be the fir...oh yeah. Liability, slander, can't say that stuff. Did you put something in my drink Glutton.
What, if I put something in your drink, surely you could taste it in that pure mineral spring water you drink.
What do you mean, you know that I only drink Uncle Clem's Moonsh... Hey, what is this a truth serum or something?
Introducing first, from T.V. land. Nik at Nyte. (The Remix of You're Gonna Make it After All plays, and as Rodney Ricardo and Darren #3 walk by, Jerry Mathers tosses a full can of pop at Darren #3, he goes down and then gets back up, a little unsteady, mind you)
And now, from guess where, weight in at a total of 550 rock hard pounds, (they told me to say that), Milwaukee's Best. ( the two walk to the ring, big crowd pop for these beer swilling two. Jerry Mathers throws a can of beer, and Beast catches it, bites off the top and gulps down the contents. Looks like these two are ready to go.)
Beast Light starts off against Rodney Ricardo, and Rodney with the armdrag on Light. Ohh an armdrag, now with an armbar, imagine that. Ricardo is yelling in pain, I think he said Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to doooo. German Suplex by Light, high bridge, ref counts 1..2, kickout by Ricardo. Ricardo somehow gets on top of Beast Light, and starts pounding away with those rights and lefts. Beast Light is bleeding all over the mat, looks like he just spat out a tooth into the crowd, it doesn't seem like he really cares. Beast Light up with a head of steam, Hurricanrana, wow, that was cool. Ricardo is lying there, wondering why those stars are circling around his head. Beast Light is up and strolls over to Beast who jumps in with a grin. Beast just walks over to Rodney, and he's got him in one hand, he's climbing up to the top rope. Darren #3 is trying to get in there, but Beast Light has stopped him with a nice roundhouse kick to the head, looks a little like Eri.....oh yeah, can't mention those guys.
Beast makes the "Drinky Drinky", motion to the crowd, and LAST CALL. Rodney Ricardo is OUT. Ref counts 1..2..3. It's over.
The Winners of this match, MILWAUKEE'S BEST.
What's this, another tag match? Yes The Bad <-BLEEP->ses have signed on to fight Bait and Switch, The Techie Salesmen from Hell, and they're gonna do it right now.
Now entering the ring area, in their first match back here in the STWF, weighing in at a total of 420 lbs, Bait and Switch, The Techie Salesmen from Hell. (the two come in to the accompanyment of that annoying jingle from Intel Inside, and of course to boos, it seems the antics of geeks and nerds these past few weeks are not appreciated.)
And now, from Oakland California, Mark and Chris the Bad<-BLEEP->ses. (these two hardcases come in to a loud, but mixed response from the crowd. It seems that they have gained a major following. TNT blares out a few seconds late, and as the Bada$$es walk by the announcers table, Mark gives Angus McMadden the finger.)
Oh what the hell was that for, I didn't screw up their music. OK there they go, Mark starting off with Bait, nope that's Switch, I guess they switched. Mark seems slightly confused by this, and while he's scratching his head, Switch puts him in a swinging neckbreaker, quite the opening move.
Yeah, these Bad<-BLEEP->ses had better get their you know what together if they hope to beat the Techie's. These two have more underhanded tactics than you can possibly imagine. I know firsthand what they can do.
Switch goes in to tag Bait, and the two go to work on Mark in the corner. They've got him tied up in the ropes, but the ref can't see a thing, because he's trying to stop Chris from coming in to save his partner. Finally the ref comes in to stop all of this, and Bait gets Mark up in a vertical suplex. Down he comes and Bait with the cover, hooks the legs. 1..2..No a kickout by Mark. He's still got some life in him yet, shown by that highly illegal rake to Bait's eyes. Mark manages to get to Chris, and the tag is made. Chris is in there swinging rights and lefts on Bait. One left connects with the groin of Bait. That's gotta hurt. Bait is lying on the mat, and Chris spreads Bait's legs open and headbutts him right there.
I won't discuss the connotations of that move. Bait is in agony, rolling around as if he's been shot. Chris is now working on Bait's neck, and he's got that chin lock on pretty tight. Ohh, looks like Bait has some life left. Elbow to Chris' side, another, another, and the hold is broken. Bait with a running Lariat, and Chris is down. Bait tags in Switch.
Switch looks pretty confident now. We might see the Millennium Crash right now. He's getting ready but...NO Bad<-BLEEP->sCutter out of nowhere. Chris rolls up Switch and the ...what the? The lights just went out!
Whoa, what's goin' on? Hold me, Angus, I'm afraid of the dark.
Get off me, Gary, you're going to crush me! The lights are back on. Chris is face down with a dart in his butt. Mark isn't in much better shape, on the ring floor with a similar dart. Switch rolls Chris over, he puts a foot on, and makes a pose. Ugh! He's got no muscles at all. 1...2...3. The ref counts to ten for Chris to get up, but it's not happening.
Chris was just about done in and then, whammo, and then this happens! Mark and Chris can't be too pleased with this. When they wake up. Urp!
This brings me back to the Distruct/Bohemoth match, where Dr. Death injected Bohemoth with a sedative. There's the Pencil-Necked Geek now, he's got a bamboo blowdart! He isn't stupid, that's for sure, and he took advantage of the Bad<-BLEEP->ses with that "death match" clause.
Here are your winners...The Techie Salesmen from Hell!
And now some messages from our sponsors.
(The spot rolls with a Fat Matt's bit in which Mira Maniac is seen pleading for Mira Sorvino's hand in marriage. We won't describe what happened after, the kiddies would ask too many questions. Then we had a spot about Uncle Clem's Moonshine Factory, in which Clem was sorry to say that a shipment would be late due to the explosion of the factory. And that was about it for the exciting commercials.)
Coming down the aisle, weight in at 244 pounds, and accompanied by his entourage, of which there are too many to list, Pimp of the Year. ( Loud pop from this guy, man these crowds do love their pimps.)
And now, weighing in at 215 pounds, he is the Man with a Plan, and the STWF ICCTINACBBIC Champion, Tortilla Tito. (big pop for this guy, he is the champ after all. Tito is walked down between a large rolling sphere, and a moving Cube. This is Mexico Unlimited. Their power grows daily, and they are not to be trifled with in the Summer Months.)
Tito locks up with PotY. Tito with the...yes the Armbar on PotY, and Tito walks him down to the ground.
Nope PotY doesn't go down for anybody, least of all for this little guy who looks like one of his pieces of property than a wrestler. PotY with a kick to Tito's midsection, and the Luchador grunts in pain. PotY with the running Bulldog, and Tito's face ends up where it shouldn't, right in Cream's creamy cleavage. Well, she should just put more on. What am I saying?
I don't know, sounds like you've been into the sauce again. PotY with the Irish whip on Tito, and clotheslines his head off, or just about. PotY is going up top, and right into Tito's face with the missile dropkick. PotY with the Lateral Press. 1..2..kickout. PotY swears in frustration. He was that close. Now Tito is back up, and Spinebuster. Wait, out of the crowd in street clothes. Who is that at ringside, another of the Ratings Flock?
Well, it ain't Emmanuel Lewis, that my friend who needs glasses, is Tyrone Mayhem. He goes right in after Tito, and now three men are in the ring brawling. Nope here comes the Entourage, outraged at the interference, and here comes the mighty El Spheros and Cube. These two monsters quickly clear the ring. Wait Tyrone Mayhem continues to stand in the ring, and he motions to the crowd. Out comes Tiger, and Beast and Beast Light, Milwaukee's Best. Looks like we've got a standoff.
And there they go. Mayhem tries to get at Tortilla Tito, but the massive El Spheros is in the way. El Spheros just rolls over Mayhem, and Mayhem is squashed. Beast and Cube stare off. The squat Cube makes the first move, and a blow that would have knocked most of the big men of this fed down to the mat doesn't even faze Beast. Beast Last Calls Cube, and now the Beast is going on a rampage. Beast rips through Mexico Unlimited and PotY's entourage like a burrito through the digestive system, and everyone else is outside while the Inner Circle is king of the Mountain.
The winner of this match as result of a disqualification, and still ICCTINACBBIC Champion, Tortilla Tito.
OK, allright, what's up next Gary?
Uhhh, BRAP. Like OK man, listen I think we've like got a number 1 contender battle for the Heavyweight Championship of the WOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLD....I mean STWF.
Introducing first, from Panama City Florida, weighing in at 282 pounds, accompanied by Big Daddy Panama. BF Sack.( As the theme from Sandford and Son blares out, the crowd roars, as the master of the Domino Effect comes in.)
And now, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 335 pounds, The Executioner. (Black Dog by Led Zeppelin plays, and the massive Executioner walks to the ring slowly, crobar in hand. The crowd is silent, because anything might set this guy off.)
OK here we go. This might just be the BEST Friday Friday Friday in the history of our sport. Executioner vs. Sack. Technique vs. Power. Who will win for the chance to go up against the Square.
Thank you Tony, I mean Vince, I mean Angus. I say how about we forget all this and just put the Square up against Cube, and have a BOXING match. HAAAAA I kill me. But seriously folks this otta be good. The relative newcomer BF Sack against the veteran Executioner, who is the former champion. Holy cow, Executioner just gave BF Sack the Death Sentence. He must be pissed at losing to StreetMime.
Executioner rolling Sack into the ring. Cover with one finger and a smirk on his face, just then a fan goes by with an "Ironman Rules" Sign. Before the ref gets a chance to get to two Executioner is up, running into the crowd. He grabs the fan and gives him the Death Sentence right onto a bunch of other fans. Ohh Boy lawsuit for sure.
8...9...9 1/2...9 3/4... Oh the Executioner just gets back in. He goes back for the cover, but Sack reaches up and thumbs him in the eye. And now Sack with the....ARMBAR. Wow.
Now Sack with a Dropkick on the much larger Executioner, and the big man goes down face first into the mat. Both men back up, Sack with the Scoop Slam, and now he's trying to loosen up the Executioner with an Abdominal Stretch. He moves into a camel clutch, but the dark man gets up, with Sack still hanging on and drives Sack into the corner turnbuckle. Executioner with a Superkick into the corner, and he just leaves the leg there, grinding Sack's neck with that big boot of his. Man I have never seen anyone do that before, it's just amazing.
Yeah sure. Executioner gives up on the ripoff and takes Sack out into the middle of the ring, picks him up and piledrives him. Executioner declines to cover, runs bounces off the ropes, but there is Big Daddy Panama with that gold tipped cane. He trips up the Executioner with it and when the Executioner goes after him Big Daddy hits him in the head with that cane. Sack comes over and rolls up the stumbling Executioner. 1..2..kickout.
What a battle, a little bit of dirty tactics there, but hey, who cares? Sack with the hip toss on the Executioner, and now Sack is going up while the Executioner takes a breather ..I mean while the Executioner is laid out. Sack with the Frog Splash. The cover is made. 1..2..oh another kickout. Sack with a spinning toehold. Looks like he wants those legs nice and broken before he goes for the win. Sack drags over the Executioner to the metal pole, he's outside the ring. What's he doing, oh noooooo! He just pulled the Executioner into the pole, and a bad part of him hit first. Now Sack has some wire and he's wrapping up Executioner's legs in it. Now he's helpless, and Sack repeatedly bashes those knees into the ringpost again and again. And now, ohh totally unpredictable, an upside down figure four hanging off of the Executioner's legs. All that weight must be putting trmendous pressure on those knees, right Gary?
I'm simply stunned, Vince, how can you continue to rip....
Fake it, Glutton, or I won't let you eat for a week.
Oh yes... oh my God... I'm coming...
What in the HELL are you doing?
Well you told me to fake it, so I will.
OK point noted, remind me never to get in a pissing contest with you again. Anyway Sack is continuing to work on those legs of the Executioner's. The Executioner is back up, but he is limping severely, and Sack is circling, just like a wolf stalking a wounded bear, looking for an opening in which to go for the kill. Ohhh, the Executioner still has some life left in him yet. He catches B.F.Sack off guard and power slams him. Sack looks like that broke his back, but the Executioner can't get back up. Both men are lying there motionless, and the ref is counting. 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..8.., just in time Executioner stumbles to his feet. He elbow drops onto B.F. Sack's face, and lies there for the cover. 1..2.., kickout, it ain't over yet folks.
I gotta admit, while this isn't exactly new stuff, it looks pretty good, especially for the STWF. The Executioner is struggling to his feet, and the actual pain is showing on his face. I don't think he's been this sore in quite a while. Even in his battles with Ironman which were brutal to the extreme, his legs weren't smashed up as bad as this. Except maybe when that bomb blew up, bombs are cool. That reminds me, I'm hungry, maybe I'll have some of that chili they're selling.
Executioner continues to hobble around. Sack is just lying there, breathing hard, but I don't think the Executioner knows what to do. If he goes to kick Sack, he'll fall and might never get back up again. Sack makes the decision for him. He strikes as fast as a cat and trips up the Executioner with the Ankle sissors. Executioner falls with a crash. Sack is locking up those arms. Executioner is frantic, he can't allow those legs to be caught, but he can barely move. Sack reaches out and grabs onto the legs and there it is the Domino Effect.
Nobody has been able to get out of that yet, but if anyone can stand the pain the Executioner can. Executioner is trying to bite onto Sack's legs, ohh he just ripped a chunk out. Hold on man, five more minutes and Sack will faint from lack off blood.
Well, arterial bleed or not, Executioner can't hang on. The ref asks him if he wants to submit, and Executioner nods yes. Sack breaks the move.
Here is your winner, as a result of a Submission, B.F. Sack.
Sack has his arms raised in victory, and walks out in triumph, with the crowd behind him. The Executioner refuses medical help and somehow gains his feet. When the ref came near him, Executioner tried to Death Sentence him, but he didn't have the arm strength to do it. It was a hell of a battle, I hope we see the Executioner in action again soon. For Gary "the Glutton" Gourmando, this is Angus "Vince" McMadden, saying, Goodnight. Join us here next week my friends, on this uncharted desert isle...I've been writing too long. Anyway hopefully there will be another Friday Friday Friday next Friday. There might... you never know, why join us you ask? Because there's no Friday like Next Friday, TGIF!
©1998 Stereo Type Wrestling Federation/Consejo Stereotypicos de Lucha Libre